JoelJosol Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 ------- Revision 2 --------------- It has been a while since I let go of words like a stone shot against a blue sky. It must have been hurtful, to darken this sky so long, and to keep pouring over me, gloom. The stone returns and the sky is broken, with its shards falling on my head. ------- Revision 1 --------------- It has been a while since I let go of words like a stone shot against a blue sky. It must have been hurtful, to darken this sky so long, and to keep pouring over me, gloom. How I wish the sun would return like my lover's scent and skin, to cling on these arms. Without golden sunsets, the darkness descends again, only this time, heavier, colder, blacker. The stone returns and the sky is broken, with its shards falling on my head. -------- Original --------------- It has been a while I know since the last time I let go of words like a stone shot against a blue sky. It must have been hurtful to darken this sky so long, to keep pouring over me gloom. I miss the sunshine like a woman's scent, like her skin pressing against mine, my arms full of her. I do not see any more golden sunsets, just darkness descending again, only heavier like a curtain at the end of a stage play. Please end this long line of one bad weather after another. Let me see once more a blue sky. **** Hi guys. Glad to be back. I was sleeping when these lines flowed in my dreams. I woke myself up to write it down and share it here lest I forget it. I thought I will never write a poem again :-) Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted September 7, 2012 Share Posted September 7, 2012 And what a dream poem! Rapturous in its portrayal of 'Writer's block,' a contact from the Muse, no doubt @ all;-) REally lovely Joel, suggest 'me gloom' becomes 'my gloom' but otherwise a tasty re-introduction to writing poetry;-) DC&J Quote thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted September 8, 2012 Author Share Posted September 8, 2012 Thanks, DC. I decided to revisit this draft, to cut down on the verbosity and create a cohesive theme. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 Nice cut and cohesion, Joel. Striking imagery and tone, danger on the precipice of thought. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted September 9, 2012 Share Posted September 9, 2012 I like the revision. It's difficult to retain the essence of thoughts occurring somewhere between sleep and consciousness. Awareness usually creates a spin all of it's own yet those thoughts still remain personal and unique. Thanks for sharing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted September 21, 2012 Author Share Posted September 21, 2012 Guys, thanks for the read. Work has dulled my energy for writing. Need to psyche myself up. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted October 7, 2012 Author Share Posted October 7, 2012 Revised this poem. Sometimes poems are like adolescents. They have yet to figure out what they want to become :-) Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 Wow Joel, It would be a crime if you stopped writing.... I so love seeing this poem's evolution. Thank you. It came a long way from the conversational style of the original to the masterfully crafted piece at the end. What I love most is you never lost the soul of the piece in the process of honing the craft. Thank you Thank you Thank you for sharing this. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted October 11, 2012 Author Share Posted October 11, 2012 Tinker, thanks for the read and encouragement. I need to find time going to bookstores and get the inspiration and passion all over again :-) Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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