Fears Under a Moonless Night

[JoelJosol]

----- Revision ------

Walk this unlit road

where stars blink

at your fears

 

and catch

every shift of shadows,

every whisper, quiver,

 

to process them

like lab specimen in your brain,

yourself wary of its results.

 

A vision breaks out:

the next day's headlines,

its images-

 

a body

with blade-opened neck,

lit by the new day

 

but the lamp posts lighting up

appear like lab results,

all reporting negative.

 

 

 

----- Original -------

When you walk this unlit road,

the brilliant blinking stars

on a moonless night do not reduce

fears but make your senses

sharper in the darkness

 

where every shift of shadows,

every whisper or quiver,

every pacing of unfamiliar foot steps,

is caught and processed like lab specimen

in your brain, yourself wary of its results.

 

A vision breaks out:

the next day’s headlines and its images-

a pool of blood,

a neck opened by a blade,

your body lit by the new day

 

but the lamp posts lighting up

read like a lab result,

all reporting negative.

[tonyv]

I enjoyed this delve into the macabre, Joel. In the third line, I would change the word in to on and the word does to do. Nevertheless, this was a most enjoyable read.

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

Thanks Tony for the catch.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

love the title. it sets off imageries on its own. the poem spoke to me on a few levels. one is the fear of being alone. but seriously this poem shows maturity as a writer. i enjoyed reading this as i do all your poetry.

 

take care joel and keep writing.

 

larsen aka victor

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, Larsen, for your appreciation. Take care of yourself as well.

[JoelJosol]

Tighten up the language.

[Aleksandra]

Joel again beautiful piece.

I love the revised version, and always you are doing so well with your revisions. The original one, I loved too, and it sound like a ballad and the other have much more poetical power inside.

I loved this expression

to catch

every shift of shadows,

every whisper, quiver,

I like how this sound:

a body

with blade-opened neck,

lit by the new day

 

The title yes, I agree with Victor. It is wonderful

 

Thank you for the lovely read.

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, Aleksandra. I like those lines myself :-)

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi joel,

 

i like the revision a little bit better than the original joel the second one the revision dos flow a lot better with the few changes you made. i love both versions of this concept. it works so well in your poem. the few metaphors in this speak so well to the reader.

 

larsen