Feathers

[eclipse]

The dreaming child of a woodsman sees that

the tree cannot shakes it's leaves and the leaves

are powerless against autumns artful combat.

From a leafy bed he wakes a pigeon arrives

with a broken wing and the boy begins

carving an effigy of the bird into

the tree and he sleeps that night as day thins-

on a pillow of feathers because due

is a ghostly father who dwells inside

of a willow tree and he completes the wing

and brings the carving to life, a bird rides

through the night-a dreaming willow, tailing

tasting flight. A boy dreams of flying out

of the sun, a bird healed savours a route.

[eclipse]

what is the point of posting anything in this forum? really.

[Benjamin]

Perhaps you expect too much when exhibiting what for you may be important and meaningful poems. Other sites are very much the same: with more people projecting work into the ether than those who read, engage, explain and offer (usually unwanted) critique. Possibly it's a time thing because many serious poets are also writers and professionals with careers. Educators even, who are perhaps more concerned with significant universal topics than the intricate personal imagery of others, however well presented.

[eclipse]

all I expect Benjamin is feedback-I expect a little bit more form this site-Barry

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Barry, please count me among those who sometimes get distracted with earning the bread that my family eats. The last five weeks have been intense 7-days-a-week affairs. When I do surface, I take particular pleasure in commenting on your work. I try to select those that I find most excellent.

 

For this one, I can say I like the rhymes and rhythmic structure, the fantasized theme. The "ghostly father... living inside ... <the> willow tree" is a nice original image.

 

Problems: I find the repeated use of "a" disturbing to this poem (and others): lacks focus and specificity. The final couplet feels rhyme forced, and therefore somewhat clumsy. My biggest problem is that this kind of narrative does not often settle comfortably in the sonnet form, which is intended to be more lyrical, contemplative, and personal.

 

I hope that helps.

- Dave