fdelano Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Brumal Light snow coats spiraled webs hitched to beds of dormant shrubs, cold-storage for wayward prey, bound to wait for spring is not the word for an aged mind that looks back to warm wafts of summer breezes on decks filled with friends and airy conversation without a thought of fall and recover with leaves of old memories that fade with ongoing winter fdharden--2008 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 An excellent balance of the physical and philosophical--- of human feeling engaged through nature. I particularly like the well-placed contrast of st.3. A far cry from prey trapped in the webs of st. 1. For fluency, impact and relative assonance-- consider for your opening line perhaps-- “Light snow coats spiralled webs” Much enjoyed. Geoff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 Done, friend Geoff, and you are right about improving the flow. Also deleted the "the" in last stanza. Thank you. Paco Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted January 13, 2013 Share Posted January 13, 2013 Nostalgia and acceptance mingle, yet neither steps on the other's toes. I like this very much. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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