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Y Mynyddoedd Duon (revised)


badger11
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revision3

 

Colour beckons across the dwindling fern,
a chasing game of vixen with dog fox.
The bark of both, a crack through slate; that shaft
of vermilion dashing a breath through rust.

This miner's hut is curtain free, open
to whim. The wind's a claw over bracken.
A goodbye day where falcon hovers high
above the heather, hungers across the cwm.

 

 

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revision2

Her scent beckons, gilds the dwindling light,
a chasing game of vixen with dog fox.
The bark of both, a crack through slate, a shaft
of vermilion, broken bottles of home brew.

The shepherd's hut is curtain free, open
to whim. The wind caresses the bracken.
A dying day where falcon hovers high
above the heather, glides across the cwm.



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revised1

Her scent beckons, gilding the dwindling light,
a hunger game of vixen with dog fox.
The bark of both, a crack through slate, a shaft
of vermilion flaking obsidian glass.

The shepherd's hut is curtain free, open
to whim. The wind caresses the bracken.
A dying day where falcon hovers high
above the heather, glides across the cwm.


====================================================================================

original

Her eyes beckon, burning the dwindling light,
a chasing game of vixen with dog fox.
The bark of both, a crack through slate, a shaft
of vermilion through bottles of home brew.

A peregrine hovers above the cwm,
glides across the heather, feeds a need.
The shepherd's hut is curtain free, open
to whim. The wind caresses the bracken.

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

this is an amazing poem badge. but i have no idea as what the title is or means? is it a form or the name of the poem? this flow and was a very smooth read. i like the rhythm of this and nature is a good thing to write a poem about. enjoyed.

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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vermilion through bottles of home brew.

 

and

 

shepherd's hut is curtain free

 

Those are great, definite, clear images. It almost reads like haiku. Oh, I did have to look up "Wales CWM" -- valley. I first assumed it was a roadway, I don't know why. haha

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A pleasure to read badge. Been back to it couple of times. If the flavour hadn't been so Welsh I'd have suggested "shieling" for the rough shepherd's hut. B :smile:

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I like the Rev 2 last stanza. But I miss the "home brew" from Stanza 1 original. :)

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A pleasure to read badge. Been back to it couple of times. If the flavour hadn't been so Welsh I'd have suggested "shieling" for the rough shepherd's hut. B :smile:

 

I like that word B. Perhaps another poem...will ponder :rolleyes:

 

cheers

 

badge

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I like the Rev 2 last stanza. But I miss the "home brew" from Stanza 1 original. :)

 

Back in dcm. Never one to come between a man and his favoured brew :0)

 

cheers

 

badge

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Back in dcm. Never one to come between a man and his favoured brew :0)

 

Oh, my gosh, that is so funny.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Love the final revision. seriously solid images- Just beautiful- And the indescribable Badger shines through and through.

 

Juris & Dr. Con

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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There's an intriguing world that's manifesting itself in in your works as of late, Badge. The poem (and the "world") has a definite sense of being in touch with one's history (a history unfamiliar to me).

 

I love "the bark of both," the part about the shepherd's hut, and The wind caresses the bracken. Those parts make it tangible; they somehow take me there. I can't say a whole lot about it. It's just a feeling I get.

 

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

Badge i like all three versions of your write here. don't destroy any versions of the poem here fore this is a surefire hit in history itself. i would buy a poetry book to read words such as these you have writen here. your poems are easy on the eyes and esay to read with advance diction which makes you an exceptional writer all around.

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Frank E Gibbard

There's a perceptible sense of place that's satisfying to this reader. My soft spot's antenna are attuned to the fox references, our only wild animal I ever see about. Well done badge. Frank

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  • 2 weeks later...

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