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Poetry Magnum Opus

Dad, "I need a car"


dansalinger
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dansalinger

Her smiling sweet demeanor and friendly upbeat tone

 

all that sullen teenage angst is gone or out on loan

 

despite a warming in my heart and the pleasure to my ear

 

the words somehow ring hollow, it’s her motive that I fear

 

you pepper me with questions on subjects I like

 

while sharpening your talons–preparing them to strike

 

the words fall down like rain in the middle of a drought

 

she’s clearly up to something, of that there is no doubt

 

incredulity aside, I must confide--I wanna bottle it up in a jar

 

then came the words I’d been dreading to hear, "Dad, I need a car"

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I am no parent, but I like the ending: A car and not THE car. Very clever. :)

 

I wrestled with this suggestion, but I will give it anyway. This line:

 

you pepper me with questions on subjects I like

 

Maybe could have ONE more syllable:

 

you pepper me with questions on subjects THAT I like

 

Nice "slice of life" piece.

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dansalinger

interesting observation regarding "that" because the first draft included "that" but i took it out for some reason...probably while i was tinkering...but "that" certainly belongs...i'll make the change...

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I like this. It has a light tone and delivery.. of what (let's face it) amounts to emotional blackmail. Having been the 'victim' on more than one occasion, the positive side is a feeling of achievement.... in helping the perpetrator's life plan. Hopefully onward, outward and upward. :biggrin:

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  • 2 weeks later...

The title gives it away, but I thought the poem skipped along with gentle humour. I think the rhyming couplets worked for the genre and for the short form (in longer poems the effect is mechanical). Personally, I would find the poem easier to read without the spacing between lines. Perhaps stanzas would be an option. Anyway enjoyed.

 

badge

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dansalinger

badger....thanks for the kind words....and your observations are consistent with other comments i have received and i am going to experiment with the overall format...including the spacing...thanks again..dan

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