dansalinger Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 Her smiling sweet demeanor and friendly upbeat tone all that sullen teenage angst is gone or out on loan despite a warming in my heart and the pleasure to my ear the words somehow ring hollow, it’s her motive that I fear you pepper me with questions on subjects I like while sharpening your talons–preparing them to strike the words fall down like rain in the middle of a drought she’s clearly up to something, of that there is no doubt incredulity aside, I must confide--I wanna bottle it up in a jar then came the words I’d been dreading to hear, "Dad, I need a car" Quote
dcmarti1 Posted March 23, 2013 Posted March 23, 2013 I am no parent, but I like the ending: A car and not THE car. Very clever. :) I wrestled with this suggestion, but I will give it anyway. This line: you pepper me with questions on subjects I like Maybe could have ONE more syllable: you pepper me with questions on subjects THAT I like Nice "slice of life" piece. Quote
dansalinger Posted March 23, 2013 Author Posted March 23, 2013 interesting observation regarding "that" because the first draft included "that" but i took it out for some reason...probably while i was tinkering...but "that" certainly belongs...i'll make the change... Quote
Benjamin Posted March 24, 2013 Posted March 24, 2013 I like this. It has a light tone and delivery.. of what (let's face it) amounts to emotional blackmail. Having been the 'victim' on more than one occasion, the positive side is a feeling of achievement.... in helping the perpetrator's life plan. Hopefully onward, outward and upward. Quote
badger11 Posted April 3, 2013 Posted April 3, 2013 The title gives it away, but I thought the poem skipped along with gentle humour. I think the rhyming couplets worked for the genre and for the short form (in longer poems the effect is mechanical). Personally, I would find the poem easier to read without the spacing between lines. Perhaps stanzas would be an option. Anyway enjoyed. badge Quote
dansalinger Posted April 3, 2013 Author Posted April 3, 2013 badger....thanks for the kind words....and your observations are consistent with other comments i have received and i am going to experiment with the overall format...including the spacing...thanks again..dan Quote
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.