JoelJosol Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 ----------------- Revision 2 ------------------ I-93, red and orange, leaves shift, fall with the breeze, cool, warm, between them the early light speeds like cars against a morning sky, a golden dome, where freedom trails a youthful smile, the pavement under shades of trees, the coffee cup, bagel, in open air the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks the red, bloodied earth, and to a hundred pairs of feet. ----------------- Revision 1 ------------------ I-93, red and orange, leaves shifting, falling with the breeze, cool, warm, early light from sun rays speeding like cars against the morning sky, the golden dome, where freedom trails the youthful smile, the pavement under shades of trees, the coffee cup, the bagel, in open air the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks the red, bloodied earth, soon snow-filled mountains and to a hundred pairs of feet. ----------------- Original ------------------- I-93, red and orange, leaves shifting, falling with the breeze, cool, warm, early light from sun rays, speed past like darts against the morning sky, the golden dome, the freedom trail, the youthful smile, the pavement under shades of trees, the coffee cup, the bagel, in open air, the turnpike, to say good-bye to clam chowder, to Denny’s, to autumn, red trees, red socks, the red, bloodied earth, soon snow-filled mountains, and to hundred pairs of feet. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted April 23, 2013 Share Posted April 23, 2013 Interesting allusions, tho I think, not knowing Boston, I miss a couple. And the last line? One hundred, two hundred??? Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 25, 2013 Share Posted April 25, 2013 JJ, A timely and well composed perspective. It grows on me as I re-read. Crystal clear and enjoyable! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 26, 2013 Author Share Posted April 26, 2013 Thanks, DC. Glad that you enjoyed it. I have made some minor revisions. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 Hi Joel, You lived in Boston for a while didn't you? I just remember you mentioning you were a Laker fan in Boston at one time. That had to have been dangerous. I've never been to Boston but I your imagery reflects what I have imagined it to be like and it is really quite beautiful. I like the way you incorporated the fall colors and the baseball team colors and the blood stains. The various hues of red. Reading I hear a genuine fondness for the city. Really nice.. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted April 27, 2013 Share Posted April 27, 2013 A topical/univeral reminder of the fragility of things we value in an increasingly uncertain world. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Thank you, Benjamin. Yes, indeed, the fragility of things. I did another round of trimming, to improve the rhythm and bring a strong conclusion. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted April 28, 2013 Share Posted April 28, 2013 Good revision JJ. Still vivid, but tighter. 'freedom' is still, for me, an unnecessary abstract. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted April 28, 2013 Author Share Posted April 28, 2013 Badge, it's a play on the word 'Freedom Trail' which is a tourist attraction in Boston :-) Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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