jainrohit Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 After Long Lasting - perennial freeze Not much is left in pallid autumn trees When No one treads the avenues of life Her coming was coming of Gentle breeze Her dress was colored with all hues of life Her words hissed all the values of life She seemed as a stranger yet sacrosanct Her actions imbibed all the clues of life Her presence was etched on every moment To escape her presence a futile attempt A soft Glance - you immerse in her faith Her beauty will prevent any contempt She coalesced into me freezing my breath Her colour was dark and her name was death Quote
dcmarti1 Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Her words hissed all the values of life Wow. That word "hissed" for values.....A lot going on there! :) Did not expect that ending. Provocative piece. Nice. Quote
dr_con Posted April 27, 2013 Posted April 27, 2013 Fascinating work. Greatly enjoyed but the repetition of life grates on me (but that is a personal preference not a condemnation of the piece) Which I fund delightful! Juris Quote thegateless.org
Benjamin Posted April 28, 2013 Posted April 28, 2013 I like the overall concept and the surprise end couplet. I felt however, the piece as a whole would have benefited from some enjambment to soften the end line rhymes but that also is a personal preference. Quote
jainrohit Posted April 28, 2013 Author Posted April 28, 2013 I like the overall concept and the surprise end couplet. I felt however, the piece as a whole would have benefited from some enjambment to soften the end line rhymes but that also is a personal preference. Fascinating work. Greatly enjoyed but the repetition of life grates on me (but that is a personal preference not a condemnation of the piece) Which I fund delightful! Juris Her words hissed all the values of life Wow. That word "hissed" for values.....A lot going on there! :) Did not expect that ending. Provocative piece. Nice. Thanks All Sirs for liking and guiding this one ........ Dr_Con - Thanks for the valuable suggestion . Actually it was some form of adherence to the form of rubaai which has a radeef or a repetitive refrain , that's why the word life ...... Anyways , thanks once again Quote
Tinker Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Hi Jain, I enjoyed this poem and love some of the imagery. It is one of the few rubaiyats in English I have seen other than Fitzgerald's famous work. May I use your poem as an example of the form in the reference section? ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com
jainrohit Posted April 29, 2013 Author Posted April 29, 2013 Hi Jain, I enjoyed this poem and love some of the imagery. It is one of the few rubaiyats in English I have seen other than Fitzgerald's famous work. May I use your poem as an example of the form in the reference section? ~~Tink Yes ........ Why not ......... It will be my pleasure .....................! Quote
Tinker Posted April 29, 2013 Posted April 29, 2013 Thanks, ~~ Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com
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