eclipse Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 In daylight I watch the ghosts of Tilburydance, from my wheelchair I wait for the nightto advance where I join them for sherry,tea and a moondance. Spirits are quiettill taking tea with a moonlit infusion.I take the hands of the newly deceased,we waltz through events of their life with passion,they move with flair, fellow ghosts are pleased.My essence by the ghosts is distilled,in heaven a cup of me is poured,friends and relatives by angels are calledto sip, sway. An empty cup is storeduntil I am ready for paradise. Throughwindows ghosts watch me drink an earthly brew. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Haunting and exquisite. Indeed an earthly brew, sipped alone among the shades. Beautiful! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 "in heaven a cup of me is poured." WOW. This whole damn thing was WOW. Haunting is the EXACT word. And wonderful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted July 27, 2013 Share Posted July 27, 2013 Barry, this is downright creepy and highly inventive. I like the internal and end rhymes very much! No vain repetitions, great movement and theme. My only objection is the artifically inverted phrases in lines 9 and 10 - really strains. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gatekeeper Posted July 29, 2013 Share Posted July 29, 2013 Try it without the inversions and see if you still like it. I like fooling around with inversions myself, but I usually get complaints when I set them out on the table. Maybe the first "dance" could be "gather", since they need to arrive and are going to do more than dance, which you describe shortly. I might opt out of some of the "ghosts" - the second one, "fellow ghosts are" might be "everyone is"; the third one could be "spirits" (nice little pun with "distilled"); and the fourth could be "they" to drop in just a bit more of the unknown mystery. I like the tone of this and the spookiness, especially the distilled part (being a fan of distilled spirits). [if you find my suggestions unwelcome, let me know and I will cease and desist.] Quote from the black desert Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Hi Barry, I really liked this poem. I loved the lightness of this piece, it had spiritual movement. I didn't find it spooky at all. The imagery slid through my mind like silk. The only thing that weighted it down for me was the repetition of the word "ghosts". I think Gatekeeper's assessment is spot on, after the initial use of "ghosts" in the first line the beauty of the image might be better maintained with other word choices.I don't know why because it is styled quite differently but it reminded me of Wallace Stevens' Disilusionment of Ten O'Clock but I liked yours better. Not bad being compared with Wallace Stevens.~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted August 29, 2013 Share Posted August 29, 2013 I almost missed this: though can't expound further than the valid points and comments already made.. except to note the way your skill of enjambment progresses. I particularly liked, "Spirits are quiet/ till taking tea with a moonlit infusion." B. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 Interesting, with a sort of wreathy swirly atmosphere. Punctuation seems to work better with periods than commas. Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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