eclipse Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Seasons are like Russian dolls. Clusteringon a cafe roof pigeons warn of winter'scaravan.A homeless man begins feedingthe birds-Zachariah Pearson's plaque shiversinto life.Stories sally from Pearson's tongue.A monument and pond become a drifterspen and well. Night arrives to reveal flungacross the town signs saying please don't nurturethe homeless. This hobo often eats the fireof indifference. A policeman's eyes arehandcuffed he does not see disappeara moon stolen by the twilight. Bareinspiration for one who finds a homeaching dislocation inspires a tome. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Eclipse, A Fascinating tribute to the disenfranchised. I knew several people who ended up homeless, and you see clearly one of their inevitable obsessions: Pigeons... And what thougts they inspired;-) Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted August 27, 2013 Share Posted August 27, 2013 Masterful near-rhyme. Love that AND the imagery. Now I have to search on Zachariah Pearson. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted August 28, 2013 Share Posted August 28, 2013 I like the association of pigeons (which are regarded as a pest) with the plight of the homeless. I found your mention of the 19th century dignitary most interesting as I live less than an hours drive from Kingston upon Hull. Though most people (other than locals) will be unaware of him (and the park) perhaps being more familiar with William Wilberforce. Personally I always smiled at the Queen Victoria Monument which stands above the underground toilets in Queen Victoria Square :-) Your poem stirred many memories: it reads well with good use of enjambment. Consider perhaps a grammatic pause after "disappear". It was the only place I faltered whilst reading but that's just me. Much enjoyed Benjamin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 2, 2013 Share Posted September 2, 2013 I have passed through this one several times, Barry, with the same result. Much enjoyed (for reasons well stated above by Doc and others) until the final couplet. It feels rhyme forced and unintentionally humorous. If the humor is intentional (irony? whimsy?), it jars for this reader. And now that I have decided to weigh in, I'll take the opportunity to express great admiration for the inventive and heart-rending vanishing act embodied in: "A policeman's eyes arehandcuffed he does not see disappeara moon stolen by the twilight." It also bears an exquisite irony reversing the imprisonment scenario, in this case one of ignorance and intolerance. And I resonate with the inverted diction (though it feels suspiciously like rhyme forcing again) because of the way it allows the image to progress, ending on the word, "twilight." I admire the enjambment noted by Geoff, as well as the near-rhyme subtleties noted by Marti, especially the pairs, "winter's-shivers" and "drifters-nurture." Appreciate the absence of vain repititions (I think - missed the recurring 'ghosts' in the tea poem). A poem worth reworking, in my humble opinion. Probably just the couplet needs work, but not just crafting around the edges. (Watch for my "Transit of Venus" coming up in the next year - lots of reworked lines, and yes, the final two lines in particular. What we do for our readers...) Excellent Potential, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 2, 2013 Author Share Posted September 2, 2013 thanks everyone-anyone else think the end couplet is humorous? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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