On the River (Reworked)

[fdelano]

Cut loose from solid ties,

the mind deals with things close

and moving,

always looking for courses best

suited to find the deepest

channel

 

fdharden - 2008

 

Cut loose from solid ties,

the mind deals with things close,

an exigent moving present,

always seeking a course

flowing into the deepest channel.

 

Revision -- 2014

 

Thanks to all, especially the Gnome, for help with this.

[dcmarti1]

Its brevity gives it an almost-haiku like atmosphere: serious but not somber.

[fdelano]

Thanks, DC. The theme in my mind was to let the mind find its way like a drifting boat. I suppose more could have been written, but I didn't want to present several analogies.

[dedalus]

sharp, cool,admire the brevity.

[Benjamin]

Your brevity works well with the title: creates a skilful transposition of the tangible and intangible. Offers a universal feel that nudges me to me to think of awareness and survival.

[dr_con]

An accurate description of being on the Russian River in a canoe when the water is medium high. You capture that letting go and focus extremely well- Deep life lessons learned which need gentle reminders as good as this.

 

Juris

[fdelano]

My humble thanks to all for considering this bit of rumination.

[dedalus]

This is very good, so naturally I want to tinker with it:

 

Cut loose from solid ties,
the mind deals with things close
and moving,
always looking for courses best
suited to find the deepest
channel

 

Cut loose from comfortable ties,

my mind only deals with the here and now,
the exigent moving present,
always looking for a course

best suited to find

a deep, clear, running channel.

 

Please don't be offended, amigo. I only fool around with others' poems I really like. It's the only form of criticism that seems to work when I am called upon to make any comment. Not that I was actually "called upon", but you know what I mean!

 

Cheers, Bren

[fdelano]

Cut loose from comfortable ties,

 

my mind only deals with the here and now,

the exigent moving present,

always looking for a course

 

best suited to find

 

a deep, clear, running channel.

 

Quite good, St. Brendan. I especially like 'exigent.' Also like the singular course; makes more sense. Your first and last lines don't seem right. I was once advised to write something worth reading. Perhaps I'll keep tinkering with this one. Thanks.

[dedalus]

Have a leisurely stroll in the garden before rushing back to your desk: annihilate those first and last (suggested) lines! The purpose is to find the very best way of saying what you want to say. In fact, just ignore my intolerable interference.

 

Cheers, Bren

(leave the keys at home, take the bus)

[fdelano]

I'll drive my Jaguar. LOL I totaled the last one. Thanks, mi amigo. Paco

[dedalus]

I've totaled four cars in my life. Nearly totaled myself the last time.

[fdelano]

My avatar is the one I flew into a ravine trying to avoid hitting a deer. Perhaps the sacrifice was worth it. That car was almost as beautiful as the doe.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

a lot said in so few humbling words. enjoyed....