So Logical ... (2nd revision)

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

sorry bout all this but now ypu see how i write

many of my poems. the words i use are endless

it seems at times.lol i might do a 3rd revision of

this one incorporating the best of both 2nd

revisions. lol hehe

 

after reflection on this one heavily i will try not

to accuse hoping for sarcasim in this one still. i

am taking heed of what david said on this one very

seriously because in reflecting on this one i feel

i have to agree with his remarks and i understand

what he is insinuating.I feel the same way in my

thoughts. i hope this one works. and if anyone

thinks i can add, change, or remove something

from this. i am open for suggestions. even changging

sentence placement or structure. i know here this

poem the way i have the general context presented

is descent but i want a awesome read for i feel the

subject i am talking about in this one and the context

format in this one is already exceptional in my opinion,

ok first revision had to much nonsense in it. the second

revision gives a little more clarity for a few lines were

added and a tiny bit more was removed from second

revision..

 

 

3rd revision and i know this will be my last one

regardless for now lol...

 

So Logical…

 

When I was very young I

thought I was so logical.

 

At that age I believed I

would have many lovers

and then get married.

 

Actually I only had two

lovers and one sweetheart.

 

In the future I will have eight

wonderful lovers. In my heart

the divine showed me a image

of this while I was praying.

 

A month after our marriage a

tragedy happened and I became

disabled. Soon after this she left.

 

I was heart broken and mad at

God. My life has a void in it

and I am living in a massive

pile of tangled up weeds now.

 

What can I really truly do?

 

I reside in a nursing domicile

praying everyday that I will

still have a computer that

functions. I realize my money

is all gone and I am seeking

deliverance from my infirmities.

 

Maybe in another life I will be

blessed for enduring all the

baloney thrown at me in this life.

 

All I want is love just

like everyone else.

 

173 words 30 lines

 

 

first 2nd revision and hopefully the last for this one lol.

 

So Logical...

 

 

When I was very young I

thought I was so logical.

 

At one time I thought a

hundred lovers would

sleep with me then after

that I would get married.

 

Truth be told I only

had two lovers and

one sweetheart.

 

I know in the future I will

have eight more lovers. In

my heart the divine showed

me this while I was praying.

 

A month into my marriage I

became disabled in a accident.

This tragedy would make my

wife leave me eventually.

 

I was heart broken and mad

at God. My life has a void in

it now that I am living in a

tangled up pile of weeds.

 

What can I really truly do?

 

I reside in a nursing domicile

praying everyday that I will

still have a computer that

functions. I realize my money

is gone now. I am seeking

deliverance from my infirmities

by God also.

 

Maybe in another life I will be

blessed for enduring garbage and

baloney from this world I live in.

 

All I want is love just

like everyone else.

 

34 lines 180 words

 

************************************************

 

this one has 4 less lines then the 2nd revision

and 1 less line un it then the original version.

this one has 25 more words in it then the original

and 13 less words then the first 2nd revision. both

2nd revisions i feel capture my essence still.

 

2nd version of 2nd revision

 

So Logical...

 

I felt I was so logical

at a very younger age.

 

At that age I believed I

would have many lovers

and then get married.

 

Actually I only had two

lovers and one sweetheart.

 

In the future I will have

eight more lovers. In my heart

the divine showed me a image

of this while I was praying.

 

A month into our marriage a

tragedy happened and I became

disabled. This destroyed us,

 

I was heart broken and mad at

God. My life has a void in it.

For I am living in a massive

pile of tangled up weeds now.

 

What can I really truly do?

 

I reside in a nursing domicile

praying everyday that I will

still have a computer that

functions. I realize my money

is all gone and I am seeking

deliverance from my infirmities.

 

Maybe in another life I will be

blessed for enduring all the

baloney thrown at me in this life.

 

All I want is love just

like everyone else.

 

30 lines 167 words

 

********************************************************

 

1st Revised version...

 

So Logical...

 

When I was young

I thought I was so

logical and sincere.

 

Back then in my thoughts

I dwelled on having a

hundred lovers. Along

the way I would get

hitched and marry.

 

Truth be told I only

had two lovers and

one sweetheart till

the tragedy struck me.

 

I know in the future I will

have eight more lovers. Call

it intuition or grace of the

divine being a real heavenly

promise from God whatnot.

 

Who knew I would become

paralyzed in this life?

This would destroy my

marriage as my wife would

leave me two years later.

The divorce finalized

six months after that.

 

I was mad at God. Who

wouldn't be in my position.

 

My life has a big void now

that my money has been spent

on medical bills that are over-

whelming my freedom to live.

My sanity is lost over this

stuff that is not even my own

fault. What can I truly do?

I reside in a nursing home

praying everyday that I will

still have a computer that

functions. I also hope I would

have deliverance of my infirmities.

 

Maybe in another life I will be

blessed because of all the

suffering and nonsense I went

thru in this life.

 

All I want is love just

like everyone else.

 

 

44 lines 217 words

 

 

*********************************************************

 

Original

 

So Logical...

 

When I was young

I thought I was so logical.

 

I thought I would have a 100 lovers

and then get married.

 

Truth be told I only had two lovers

and one sweetheart.

 

I know in the future

I will have 8 more lovers.

Call it intuition, an act of God,

or a sign from the divine

whatnot.

 

Who knew I would become paralyzed

and have my life change

as my new wife left me

two years later.

 

I was mad at God.

Who wouldn't be

in my position.

 

Now I am broke

and penniless.

I live in a nursing home

praying everyday

that I will still have

a computer that functions.

 

Maybe in another life

I will be blessed

because of all the suffering

and nonsense I went thru

in this life.

 

All I want is love

just like everyone else.

 

31 lines 142 words

[Tinker]

Hi Victor, You certainly don't hold anything back in this one. I like the direct yet fluid manner in which you present your thoughts. Of course the content saddens me but you continue to find a way to connect with others through your writing. That is a gift.

 

~~Tink

[Aleksandra]

Again your sad voice Vic. But yes I am happy to have you here, and for being a friend, and yes the writing is a gift and blessing I think.

 

So keep writing, keep up your mood, ah yes keep your computer too, for to keep in touch as we all should do lol

Mine starts to break

 

Good poem Vic,

 

Alek

[tonyv]

Hi Victor,

 

It seems that your use of the word logical in the title is ironic, especially since the first lines refer to when the narrator was an idealistic youth:

When I was young

I thought I was so logical.

 

I thought I would have a 100 lovers

and then get married.

The poem continues with a dose of reality -- Truth be told I only had two lovers/and one sweetheart (which, btw, is probably the case for most normal people) -- accompanied by an unexpected delve into the fantastical:

I know in the future

I will have 8 more lovers.

Call it intuition, an act of God,

or a sign from the divine

whatnot.

Then, it's back to realism --

Who knew I would become paralyzed

and have my life change

as my new wife left me

two years later.

 

I was mad at God.

Who wouldn’t be

in my position.

 

Now I am broke

and penniless.

I live in a nursing home

praying everyday

that I will still have

a computer that functions

-- followed by prayerful hopefulness --

Maybe in another life

I will be blessed

because of all the suffering

and nonsense I went thru

in this life

-- and a painfully obvious summation that anyone can understand:

All I want is love

just like everyone else.

The poem itself is quite logical. Fascinating and well done!

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

actually everyone i think this poem is not that bad. it delves into my reality, my outlook from several perspectives, and is compact.

 

 

 

victor

[David W. Parsley]

Victor, this poems delivers the original emotion of the author cleanly. This is partly due to the brevity, the ruthless excision of extraneous lines. The emotional outburst, when it comes, is carried by this power and delivers a wallop at the end. This is your most well-honed poem.

 

Specifically, like Tony, I respond to the ironic use of "logic" to convey a yearning for when things seemed inevitably bound to an exuberant journey to find the One, who would join and enable a beautiful existence.

 

Forgive me, but there seems to be too much original and startling material here to be satisifed with the prosaic lines of stanza 7. I would suggest something more like "When I was told that the money is gone, when I..." That kind of tone, for me, allows a more active engagement.

 

I sympathize with your journey, and your need to tell. This poem brings it with vitality and skill.

 

- Dave

[Frank E Gibbard]

Heart rending Larse and basic, needing no more words naturally as only you can personally testify to,most movingly to the point. Frank

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

thank you everyone for your comments. i will revise part of this because of dave's comments..

 

 

thank you for the remarks dave. i like what you said and agree with your comments. they are much appreciated.

 

 

victor

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Victor, reading over the two versions, I realized that I may have inadvertently disturbed a clean poetic creation with my comment on stanza 7. Like you, I take comments from fellow poets very seriously. As recent examples, Badger and Geoff/Benjamin have helped me in this way, as have Tony and Tinker though they may not know it. But sometimes it backfires and my attempts to respond to constructive criticism result in a less effective production. I may have been party to such an event here.

 

So let me begin by eating a piece of humble pie and recommending restoration of the original stanzas, with the possible exception of stanza 7. For that one stanza, I still feel a certain dissatisfaction, so I put the original and revised versions side by side (below).

 

My life has a big void now

that my money has been spent

on medical bills that are over-

whelming my freedom to live.

My sanity is lost over this

stuff that is not even my own

fault. What can I truly do?

I reside in a nursing home

praying everyday that I will

still have a computer that

functions. I also hope I would

have deliverance of my imfirmities.

 

Now I am broke

and penniless.

I live in a nursing home

praying everyday

that I will still have

a computer that functions.

 

After reflection, I realize that I greatly prefer the brevity and understated quality of the original. How devastating to know that the speaker hopes for something as simple as a functioning computer! All the rest presses upon the reader with greater weight because it is not stated. So what is still bothering me? It is really just the first two lines of the stanza. Again, something more understated, or oblique ("when I realized that the money was gone..." or some such thing) would work better, I think. But after all, it is your creation, and you must trust to your own star, your own passion for language and expression. I am just here to applaud and occasionally offer a tweak.

 

Nice work.

- Dave

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

DAVE, i didn't take heed of anything you said but with the highest regard and respect. i posted this version hoping for some comments on this such as yours such as where to trim it perhaps, i might leave some facts out even if it better explains my situation in another revision. i do see what you mean btw. i was thinking about what you said anyway even before i posted it.

 

i know we all have talent here. but with everyone given imput on a pasttime we all enjoy here being one of our writings when we post a poem on a forum such as this one. our poetry looks like a scholar wrote it.

 

 

and the next poem i post is half prose and is long lol. i want that one like it is. but i am writing like crazy. i am working on 4 new poems and revising 2 old ones.

 

 

victor