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Mortal


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Death take me by the hand, can we exchange
Ecstasy by mutual command, I have
Nothing to fear from earthly fire, the strange
Heat from heaven’s sun hunts for those still alive.
I smuggled a mirror into heaven to
Reflect my new form to those grieving on
Earth. The wind embraces a pauper’s grave, few
Will trace or ever pave history to a stones
Inscription. I have been told God sleeps and
Dreams about death, angels only exist when he
Wakes, rarely. How I did not understand
Money made begging- brought dreams poverty.
Here sleep does not exist, I no longer
Dream, visions of my earthly state linger.

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InteresTing. Reflection on the immortal state. Parts are brilliant. The I don't dream here theme is strong.

 

Thanks,

 

Juris

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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I like the conversational language which resembles a soliloquy . IMO A colon or exclamation mark after "Death take me by the hand" would add impact to the ensuing lines. I like the form, although a capital letter at each line can obfuscate when making short yet imaginative statements. A matter of personal choice I suppose. Nonetheless l enjoyed the poem. :smile: B.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I like this a lot, Barry. There's a tolerable, inoffensive sense of nihilism that outweighs any objectionable narcissism:

... I smuggled a mirror into heaven to
Reflect my new form to those grieving on
Earth ...

 

!!! It's like the speaker smuggled a smartphone to heaven so he could send his contacts a selfie! It wasn't for him, it was for them! He doesn't care, and this reader believes it.

 

Tony

 

 

PS -- Though generally I agree with Geoff re the capitals, I don't find their use in this poem distracting. I read and enjoyed this several times.

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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In my first attempts at poetry, I followed the form I read in books, capitalizing the first word of each line, because I thought that was a rule. Not being well-read in poetry, it was only on the forums that I saw some brilliant works without punctuation, notably those by Moonqueen, her poetry like a soul exposed on the operating table. We each seem to find our own style and form, even specific content. My thoughts now are that form matters only when necessary to further the author's intent. Now, to me, form and style should not distract from content or interrupt the flow. There, boys and girls, is a tyro's poetry lesson. ;)

 

P.S. My preferred definition:

1611, from M.L. tyro, variant of L. tiro (pl. tirones) "young soldier, recruit, beginner," of unknown origin.

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David W. Parsley

A recurring theme cast in a recurring form in your work of the last year or so, Barry. I like the way you have become comfortable with the Shakespearean sonnet. While I took enjoyment from this piece, I found some of the paradoxes and ambiguities to teeter on the edge of outright inconsistency.

 

Examples: 1st quatrain - The speaker can experience ecstasy but not heat or fire? 2nd - "Wind embrac[ing] a paupers grave" starts a promising digression, but dissipates in imaginatively stated irrelevance. Where did that take us?

 

3rd quatrain does not follow through on the promise of rarely occurring angels.

 

Creative composition, but the threads do not all tie for this reader. But it is great to be back reading your poetry again!

 

- David

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