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What About Us (revised)


Larsen M. Callirhoe
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Larsen M. Callirhoe

What About Us (revised)

 

This was revised based on the sugesstions made by robert florrey. so thank you robert.

 

 

What is making us

feel the way we do

about one another?

 

What about you?

What about me?

What about us?

 

Maybe one day

we can drift

amongst the stars

of the night sky.

 

We can dance on those stars

and walk on fire.

 

A flame burns until we douse

the raging fire burning within.

 

Hand in hand

we can see a new world.

 

Together we can scale the highest mountain top

on this world in which we live.

 

All you need to do is trust me

I know we were meant to be.

 

I see a picture of you in my mind

and i can't but help think

I love your beauty

like I love the ocean's shoreline

 

The sunrises, the sunsets, the surf,

don't you want this in your life

like I do also.

 

A passionate kiss

is all I need

from you.

_________________

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Nice job with the revision, Victor. I'd like to offer just one suggestion. In the second stanza, a question mark is in order after the second line, like this:

 

What about you?

What about me?

What about us?

 

It's such a minor thing, but absent any compelling reason to the contrary, it probably should be there. Thanks for sharing this revised version.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Frank E Gibbard

Larse - I know Tony didn't mention it but you've pasted a lot of extraneous AP stuff on your poem that wants editing out including Kemal's naughty swear word which might cause offense.

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

i will enter it out frank i didnt even know it was put in with my poem. what a anomaly,

 

tony i will do that,

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Aleksandra

Victor my friend, I read both versions, and I can say that this one, the revised version is much better. I like how it goes this poem, and I love the end. The poem, like this, sounds so nice, and is more rich with words / expressions.

Wonderful imageries as always.

 

Well done Vic

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Larsen M. Callirhoe
Victor my friend, I read both versions, and I can say that this one, the revised version is much better. I like how it goes this poem, and I love the end. The poem, like this, sounds so nice, and is more rich with words / expressions.

Wonderful imageries as always.

 

Well done Vic

 

Aleksandra

 

thanks aleks. much appreciated. i have to thank a poet friend for pointing out the dualism that was lacking in my poem.

 

cheers

larsen aka victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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