Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 What About Us (revised) This was revised based on the sugesstions made by robert florrey. so thank you robert. What is making us feel the way we do about one another? What about you? What about me? What about us? Maybe one day we can drift amongst the stars of the night sky. We can dance on those stars and walk on fire. A flame burns until we douse the raging fire burning within. Hand in hand we can see a new world. Together we can scale the highest mountain top on this world in which we live. All you need to do is trust me I know we were meant to be. I see a picture of you in my mind and i can't but help think I love your beauty like I love the ocean's shoreline The sunrises, the sunsets, the surf, don't you want this in your life like I do also. A passionate kiss is all I need from you. _________________ Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Nice job with the revision, Victor. I'd like to offer just one suggestion. In the second stanza, a question mark is in order after the second line, like this: What about you? What about me? What about us? It's such a minor thing, but absent any compelling reason to the contrary, it probably should be there. Thanks for sharing this revised version. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Larse - I know Tony didn't mention it but you've pasted a lot of extraneous AP stuff on your poem that wants editing out including Kemal's naughty swear word which might cause offense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 i will enter it out frank i didnt even know it was put in with my poem. what a anomaly, tony i will do that, victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Victor my friend, I read both versions, and I can say that this one, the revised version is much better. I like how it goes this poem, and I love the end. The poem, like this, sounds so nice, and is more rich with words / expressions. Wonderful imageries as always. Well done Vic Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Victor my friend, I read both versions, and I can say that this one, the revised version is much better. I like how it goes this poem, and I love the end. The poem, like this, sounds so nice, and is more rich with words / expressions. Wonderful imageries as always. Well done Vic Aleksandra thanks aleks. much appreciated. i have to thank a poet friend for pointing out the dualism that was lacking in my poem. cheers larsen aka victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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