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Poetry Magnum Opus

From the sea


Lake
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Mona Lisa drops

her smile, as you ride

the dashing waves,

your hair an African zest.

The equatorial sun has toned your skin,

and your eyes have made

pearls lose their sheen.

 

A water fairy,

you tread the foam, step

onto the red dust land,

as fresh and pure as

a lotus out of water.

By the sea,

you glitter.

 

 

This a poem written for a picture, my first time try. A rough draft. Please let me know if it works. I'll come back to catch up my comments to other poems. Thanks.

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I love it! You say it's a rough draft, so I will offer some suggestions for the touch-up.

 

I'm not so sure how I feel about the shift from the third person to you, at least within the first stanza. Perhaps it could work after the stanza break, but I think I would like it more if you remained she/her throughout the poem --

 

Mona Lisa drops

her smile, as she rides

the dashing waves,

her hair an African zest.

The equatorial sun has toned her skin,

and her eyes can make

pearls lose their sheen.

 

A water fairy,

she treads the foam, steps

onto the red dust land,

as fresh and pure as

a lotus out of water.

By the sea,

she glitters.

 

I played around with the tense a little, too, but perhaps I misunderstood -- so do let me know, if I'm off the mark on meaning. African zest and red dust land delight. The part about the equatorial sun toning her skin, and the part about her eyes vis-a-vis pearls is fresh and lovely. The title and last line are perfect.

 

It's wonderful to see you writing, Lake. Thank you for sharing.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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tonyv wrote:

 

I love it! You say it's a rough draft, so I will offer some suggestions for the touch-up.

 

Tony, feel free to correct me. It can only make me happy and improve.

 

tonyv wrote:

 

I'm not so sure how I feel about the shift from the third person to
you
, at least within the first stanza. Perhaps it could work after the stanza break, but I think I would like it more if
you
remained
she/her
throughout the poem --

 

This is what I meant - I used Mona Lisa to compare the girl's beauty (in the picture). When she comes, even Mona Lisa's mystic smile disappears. It happens that both of them are she, so I used You for the girl. But it sounds like who's who is not clear in the poem, is it?

 

Mona Lisa drops

her smile, as she rides

the dashing waves,

her hair an African zest.

The equatorial sun has toned her skin,

and her eyes can make

pearls lose their sheen.

 

A water fairy,

she treads the foam, steps

onto the red dust land,

as fresh and pure as

a lotus out of water.

By the sea,

she glitters.

 

tonyv wrote:

 

I played around with the tense a little, too, but perhaps I misunderstood -- so do let me know, if I'm off the mark on meaning.
African zest
and
red dust land
delight. The part about the equatorial sun toning her skin, and the part about her eyes vis-a-vis pearls is fresh and lovely. The title and last line are perfect.

 

It's wonderful to see you writing, Lake. Thank you for sharing.

 

I still make mistakes in tense and punctuation. Thanks for pointing them out. I am very glad the images work for you. Let me think about the second and third person pronouns. It sounds like it presents a big problem. Otherwise it is a great touch -up.

 

Thank you as always!

 

Lake

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Lake wrote:

 

This is what I meant - I used Mona Lisa to compare the girl's beauty (in the picture). When she comes, even Mona Lisa's mystic smile disappears. It happens that both of them are she, so I used You for the girl. But it sounds like who's who is not clear in the poem, is it?

Ah, Lake, I get it! From your note at the end of the poem, I assumed, incorrectly, that the poem was about the Mona Lisa. icon_redface.gif But now, that I look at it the other way, I can see that you are describing the beauty of another person. Lovely! I wouldn't change anything other than one typo -- loose should probably be lose. And I'm not so good with tense myself -- I just do the best I can.

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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LAke

 

 

 

WOW......i want watch to that lady!

 

 

 

tell me when and where..........

 

 

 

perhaps she is the beauty........................ icon_king.png

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