Lake Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Looking into the rain(revised) this autumn, why does my body ache? I look out of the window and count raindrops. under the eave a bucket overflows. Autumn Rain(original) this autumn, why does my body ache? I look out of the window counting raindrops. under the eave a bucket overflows. (Sorry, I've been away so long. As always, crits appreciated.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Lake, I'm excited to see you! Lake wrote: Autumn Rain this autumn, why does my body ache? I look out of the window counting raindrops. under the eave a bucket overflows. (Sorry, I've been away so long. As always, crits appreciated.) When you say crits appreciated, I'm not sure whether you would like critique or a simple comment, so I will try to do a little of both. I like this poem's tanka-like attributes. Although I recognize that the first line could, in a subtle way, imply a difference between this autumn and any other autumn, I think the poem would be stronger if it were omitted, because you already have autumn in the title. I myself also like to use capital letters at the beginning of each sentence (not each line), but I realize that this is a stylistic issue with which each poet deals in her own way, perhaps even on a case by case basis. I think that, in this case, capitals would make the poem stronger. For example: Why does my body ache? I look out of the window and count raindrops. Under the eave, a bucket overflows. On the other hand, perhaps I would like the lower case letters more if the poem was broken up into stanzas and the periods were omitted, like this: why does my body ache? I look out of the window and count raindrops under the eave a bucket overflows If you noticed, I also changed counting raindrops to and count raindrops, but I don't know if that changes your intent. Let us know what you decide to do with the poem -- thank you for sharing it here. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 hi lake, i actually enjoyed reading this work by you. it ws short and to the point. i believe you could have added more to this. but that is my opinion. i like tony suggestuin of changing the word counting to count. other then that you could break it down into stanzas. either way it puts across your sentiment very well i might add. i understood what you meant very well. i am a incomplete quadreplegic and i can't handle weather change very well either. larsen aka victor Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Hi Tony, I'm so glad to read your in depth comment, which is what I want. When I say 'critiques appreciated', I mean it. You made a good point regarding dropping the first line since it is in the title already, at the same time you are right about the implication that it is this autumn, not other autumns. It maybe this reason that I am kind of reluctant to remove it. Or should I get a different title? Let me think it over. I think the form in stanzas are more stylish, I've never thought about this and I'd love to go with it. I noticed you changed 'counting' to 'and count'. There must be some subtle difference in these two which I'm not very sensitive to. Thank you very much for your time spent on this piece and your pertinent critiques. Much appreciated! Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Hi Larsen, Thanks for your read and comment. And thanks for your nod on the use of 'to count' and breaking the form into stanzas. You say i believe you could have added more to this, yes, this may look too slim. Thanks and best wishes! Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Ah Lake how wonderful to see you around. What more I can say now, after Tony's comment . I always talk about poetical beauty of the poems, for another critique I am not so good , and I can only say, this poem is w o n d e r f u l. Deep, short poem. Very wise and sad. This one provokes emotions, what I respect most in the poems this autumn, why does my body ache? I look out of the window counting raindrops. under the eave a bucket overflows. Thank you for sharing with us Lake. And nice to see you. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 17, 2009 Author Share Posted May 17, 2009 Thanks Alek for your encouraging words, which are always needed. I've taken in Tony's suggestions and had the poem revised. Let's see if it is better now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodyday Posted May 17, 2009 Share Posted May 17, 2009 Count and Counting! i think it's the work from a perfectionist! it's wonderful watching such evolution! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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