tonyv Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 Again, your open door -- the softer light my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives me; I won't see you any more. Tonight, even the universe, together, grieves while watching us through our divided windows. Far from summer introductions, leaves in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows, approach across the marshes and the meadows, drop to the path, and cover up our shadows. 1 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted September 30, 2014 Share Posted September 30, 2014 It's a pleasure to read skilfully metered verse that is unencumbered of linguistic obfuscation. The piece (a Rainis Sonnet) is concise: the text lucid through enjambments, with rhymes that are unobtrusive. Your imagery is gentle and the sentiment is universal. Much enjoyed. Geoff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 hi Tony, The loveliness of the expression, almost a wrapping that masks the loss and distance, like those leaves covering the shadows. Beautiful writing. badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted October 3, 2014 Share Posted October 3, 2014 Hi Tony, This is simply heartbreakingly beautiful. The sorrow seeps into the soul of the reader. It brought tears to my eyes. The meter and form are spot on. But mostly this touches me. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 It's a pleasure to read skilfully metered verse that is unencumbered of linguistic obfuscation. The piece (a Rainis Sonnet) is concise: the text lucid through enjambments, with rhymes that are unobtrusive. Your imagery is gentle and the sentiment is universal. Much enjoyed. Geoff. Thank you, Geoff. Yes, this is a Rainis sonnet. I love the form and have written a few of them, maybe four or five. I appreciate your thoughtful remarks and am glad you liked the poem. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 hi Tony, The loveliness of the expression, almost a wrapping that masks the loss and distance, like those leaves covering the shadows. Beautiful writing. badge Thank you, Badge. I like your wrapping characteristic. Loss and distance -- that's what I wanted to get across. We all know that leaves can't really cover shadows -- the shadows would merely be superimposed upon the leaves -- but the shadows are gone, and there it is. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 6, 2014 Author Share Posted October 6, 2014 Hi Tony, This is simply heartbreakingly beautiful. The sorrow seeps into the soul of the reader. It brought tears to my eyes. The meter and form are spot on. But mostly this touches me. ~~Tink And thank you, Tinker. I'm glad this poem moved you. It makes me kind of sad, too. Thanks, as always, for the Reference section. I would have never known about the Rainis Sonnet were it not for all the forms you've catalogued. I believe PMO's terrific group of writer-participants and unique, unmatched Reference section are what really set it apart from all the other forums out there. Tony PS - PM sent. Sorry for the late reply. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Quite a mood piece with a flow like a funeral dirge. Obviously much thought in word choice. I read 'shadows' as mental darkness or as in following someone. Also reads like one in isolation of mind. Just my impressions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Quite a mood piece with a flow like a funeral dirge. Obviously much thought in word choice. Thanks, Franklin. Word choice is really imprtant to me. It has to be, because my poems are so short. I read 'shadows' as mental darkness or as in following someone. Also reads like one in isolation of mind. Just my impressions. Interesting take. Hadn't considered that, but I'm glad it worked on that level, too. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Hmmmm. Changed a word and may change it again. Replaced "ground" with "walk." What I really mean is "concrete driveway/walkway near a doorstep/threshold." Am considering "step" or "steps." Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Having some other thoughts ... Considering changing the last four lines to past tense: Again, your open door -- the softer light my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives me; I won't see you any more. Tonight, even the universe, together, grieves while watching us through our divided windows. Farther from summer introductions, leaves in nearby Massachusetts fell from willows, approached across the marshes and their mallows, dropped to the walk, and covered up our shadows. Also, I really like "farther from," but am considering other options: "away from," "in spite of," etc. Not sure what I'll do yet ... Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 May I suggest 'far from' and 'path'? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 May I suggest 'far from' and 'path'? I love "far" and will adopt that right away -- thank you. Had considered "path" -- it works very well for the poem -- but I'll hold off on that. I might keep "walk," or I might not, but I will change the last four lines to the past tense. Thanks for coming back to the poem. "Far" solves a lot for me with this. Tony Original: Again, your open door -- the softer light my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives me; I won't see you any more. Tonight, even the universe, together, grieves while watching us through our divided windows. Farther from summer introductions, leaves in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows, approach across the marshes and their mallows, drop to the walk, and cover up our shadows. (Revised version in Post #1) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Yes, Franklin, I think you're right. "Path" is an easy fix, and the payoff's there for the reader. I'll replace "walk" with "path," but I'll still remember what I meant: "concrete driveway/walkway near a doorstep/threshold," lol. Thanks again, Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Not giving up. Perhaps hard path or cobbled path? Cobbled infers other circumstances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 7, 2014 Author Share Posted October 7, 2014 Not giving up. Perhaps hard path or cobbled path? Cobbled infers other circumstances. Nah, I think it's good. "Path" is where it's at. There's the physical path, and then there's the metaphorical path, the path we were on, the one we could/should have been on, etc. I like it. It's the reader who matters ... Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted October 7, 2014 Share Posted October 7, 2014 Nah. I'm the only reader that matters. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted October 10, 2014 Share Posted October 10, 2014 I like to try and keep an eye on your poetry Tony and will comment if I can and if feeling lucid enough to comment at least meaninfully. This one of yours, a comparative rarity in view of your own commenting in depth and frequency on others is pretty pitch perfect in poignancy & well deserves the plaudits above & now from little old me. All the better for being select of course. Not too analytical as usual though you know its objective strengths in a form unknown to me but certainly reads sonically in a personal voice which is appreciable. Kudos in conclusion. Frank oh I just realised I never read the amendment will do so now. TTFN. Frank. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted October 12, 2014 Share Posted October 12, 2014 I prefer the original tense as "fell" in particular is more solid: it may reflect the narrators personal mind-set, but loses a gentle avenue of metaphor that "fall" and the present tense provides for the reader to speculate-- it also detracts from a reader's sense of 'being there'--- but that's just finicky me..... Geoff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 I like to try and keep an eye on your poetry Tony and will comment if I can and if feeling lucid enough to comment at least meaninfully. This one of yours, a comparative rarity in view of your own commenting in depth and frequency on others is pretty pitch perfect in poignancy & well deserves the plaudits above & now from little old me. All the better for being select of course. Not too analytical as usual though you know its objective strengths in a form unknown to me but certainly reads sonically in a personal voice which is appreciable. Kudos in conclusion. Thanks, Frank, for your read and kind reply. I appreciate it, and it always means a lot to me. ... oh I just realised I never read the amendment will do so now ... I like to keep the most up-to-date version in the first post of the topic. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 I prefer the original tense as "fell" in particular is more solid: it may reflect the narrators personal mind-set, but loses a gentle avenue of metaphor that "fall" and the present tense provides for the reader to speculate-- it also detracts from a reader's sense of 'being there'--- but that's just finicky me..... Geoff. Thanks, Geoff, for coming back ot this. I, too, very much prefer the present tense for the reasons you've stated. I only changed it to the past tense because it made more sense chronologically. I would like to change it back to present tense, but I don't want to change/re-work the order of the lines. If I analyze the orginal what I have is this: 1. I won't see you any more. 2. Universe grieves/watches us through separate windows implying already apart, won't see any more as stated in point one. 3. Leaves approach and fall on path to cover up shadows implying a) somehow still together in that moment; and/or b) shadows are still there, but now even they are in the process of disappearing. Present tense: Again, your open door -- the softer light my eyes have grown accustomed to deceives me; I won't see you any more. Tonight, even the universe, together, grieves while watching us through our divided windows. Far from summer introductions, leaves in nearby Massachusetts fall from willows, approach across the marshes and their mallows, drop to the path, and cover up our shadows. I'd like to put it back to the more powerful present tense. I think it intensifies the poem and somehow makes a more cohesive "moment." Do you think it's okay with the chronological issues I mentioned? I mean it is poetry after all, and we're allowed such liberties, right? Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 13, 2014 Author Share Posted October 13, 2014 (Geoff, I got your reply -- thank you. It came in the form of an email and didn't post to the board.)Anyway, Geoff wrote: Hi Tony. Yes I think this poem works fine in the present tense with the chronological issues you stated-- "it is poetry after all" -- and the appreciative reader still requires the courtesy of having a little imaginative work to do :-) I usually find it difficult going back to my own poems after a while without wanting to make amendments. The problem (with short pieces in particular though) is that changing a word or phrase can alter the overall original essence and the problems snowball. Regards. Geoff. That's all I needed, Geoff. I'm putting the last four lines back into the present tense.Thanks again,Tony (finished product in post #1) Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted October 17, 2014 Share Posted October 17, 2014 Tony, When I was phasing out the original crept past my eyes in my 'poetry folder' it deserved a deeper commentary than I was capable of @ the time. So I agree with all of the positive commentary (of the original) BUT having said that, the revision which I read today induced a profound sense of sadness and 'being there' that the original did not. I absolutely adore this. Juris Quote thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted October 17, 2014 Author Share Posted October 17, 2014 Tony, When I was phasing out the original crept past my eyes in my 'poetry folder' it deserved a deeper commentary than I was capable of @ the time. So I agree with all of the positive commentary (of the original) BUT having said that, the revision which I read today induced a profound sense of sadness and 'being there' that the original did not. I absolutely adore this. Juris Thank you, Juris. I know you're not crazy about the rhyming, metrical stuff, but that's what I like to write, and your thoughts on this one mean a lot to me. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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