Blur

[JoelJosol]

------------ revision 2 -----------

I have become a window-glass, wind-splashed by rain.

The outside view blurs like words disappearing

from dreams. With my reflection gone,

I have no more thoughts welling-up from springs

that burst forth lyrics from my head.

 

The window glass is immobile like I am, battered

with heat of dry wind over a wilderness,

grass-less, where thoughts die like cattle,

their flesh wasting away. Then, the rain comes

to wash away the skin left clinging to the bones.

[badger11]

Some good clear images JJ.

 

Though I do relate: when all else fails write about writing

 

badge

[tonyv]

Interesting progression of thought and expression in this poem, Joel. It moves naturally from more literal description in the first stanza to this exceptional trope in the second stanza:

The window glass is immobile. It's how I feel

getting battered with the heat of dry wind

over a wilderness where thoughts died like cattle,

their flesh wasting away and thrown about.

The grass there is all used up. Then, the rain comes

to wash away the skin left clinging to the bones.

In the end, you tie it all together by connecting a concrete statement with the operative simile:

I have no more passion, no words.

I am like a window-glass.

Expertly crafted.

 

Tony

[Aleksandra]

When I saw the title " Blur " I thought I have read this one, but then I realized good, that the poem Blur what I know, is Tony's poem .

 

Joel, this poem have very good poetry quality. It contains all what I love in poetry and few expressions made this poem wonderful, and one of my favorites poems from you.

 

My favorites expressions are:

I have no more thoughts welling-up from springs

that burst forth lyrics in my head.

Then, the rain comes

to wash away the skin left clinging to the bones.

 

And at the end, you closed your poem on the best way. Compact and amazing end:

 

I have no more passion, no words.

I am like a window-glass.

 

Wonderful write. Or as Tony said: Expertly crafted.

 

Thank you for sharing this special and wonderful poem

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

badger: yeah, when all else fails ... :-)

 

Tony and Aleksandra, thank you for the in-depth analysis of the structure of the poem. I would have thought of removing L1 of the last stanza and just end with L2. But, I hesitated.

 

I'm so buried with work that my creative juices are overwhelmed with job tasks right now.

[JoelJosol]

I've got some slack today. Found time to optimize this.

[tonyv]

Fantastic improvements, Joel. Thank you for sharing the revised version!

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

Thanks, tony, for the acknowledgments. This is my lowest production to date. Argh!

[JoelJosol]

One more revision. I felt the dangling couplet wasn't powerful enough.

[JoelJosol]

One more revision in the first stanza. I wanted to use an action word in L2 rather than just a declaration.