Randver Askmadr Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 The first time I saw her She was dressed all in blue With dirt on her skirt And a hole in her shoe My heart skipped a beat Every time that she ran I could even feel Wind from her fan We went together Like two sintered gears Til I joined the Army And left for a year When I got back home She wasn't there My brother had killed My love affair Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Unless I am mis-reading, the ending is a bit mysterious, even ambiguous. Did the brother kill the AFFAIR by being with the woman as her lover, or was the woman herself actually by the brother? I think that is a very skilled ending. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 I like the clever essence of this and did a little mental arithmetic as I read it. The tone and rhythm will fit into a modern triquain swirl without altering or adding to your words too much. It loses the capitals at the beginning of each line while the rhymes fall evenly within the lines. The format is a syllabic 3/6/9/12/9/6/3. I've used it several times myself in the past for conversational pieces. Just a thought. G. The first time I saw her she was dressed all in blue with dirt on her skirt and a hole in her shoe My heart skipped a beat ev'ry time that she ran I could even feel wind from her fan We went together like sintered gears Until I joined with the army and then left for a year But after my tour I came back home only to find her no longer there My brother had killed my love affair Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdelano Posted October 28, 2014 Share Posted October 28, 2014 Seems that the wording that the brother had killed "my love affair" does not speak of violence. Not sure of the meaning of "sintered." The poem's events seem hurried, but the content sound. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randver Askmadr Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Ok, it is about my 1969 Chevy Malibu. My brother blew it up when I was at Army training. It was blue and had dirt around the fenders. It had a flat tire when I first saw it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Randver Askmadr Posted October 29, 2014 Author Share Posted October 29, 2014 Ben, I like the way you changed it. I will have to work on something like that. FD. Sintered just means meshed, or we fit together. DC. Thanks, there was violence but it was me to my brother when I got home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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