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Poetry Magnum Opus

My Love Affair


Randver Askmadr
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Randver Askmadr

The first time I saw her

She was dressed all in blue

With dirt on her skirt

And a hole in her shoe

My heart skipped a beat

Every time that she ran

I could even feel

Wind from her fan

We went together

Like two sintered gears

Til I joined the Army

And left for a year

When I got back home

She wasn't there

My brother had killed

My love affair

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Unless I am mis-reading, the ending is a bit mysterious, even ambiguous. Did the brother kill the AFFAIR by being with the woman as her lover, or was the woman herself actually by the brother? I think that is a very skilled ending.

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I like the clever essence of this and did a little mental arithmetic as I read it. The tone and rhythm will fit into a modern triquain swirl without altering or adding to your words too much. It loses the capitals at the beginning of each line while the rhymes fall evenly within the lines. The format is a syllabic 3/6/9/12/9/6/3. I've used it several times myself in the past for conversational pieces. Just a thought. G. :smile:

 

The first time

I saw her she was dressed

all in blue with dirt on her skirt and

a hole in her shoe My heart skipped a beat ev'ry

time that she ran I could even feel

wind from her fan We went

together

like sintered gears Until

I joined with the army and then left

for a year But after my tour I came back home

only to find her no longer there

My brother had killed my

love affair

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Seems that the wording that the brother had killed "my love affair" does not speak of violence. Not sure of the meaning of "sintered." The poem's events seem hurried, but the content sound.

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Randver Askmadr

Ok, it is about my 1969 Chevy Malibu. My brother blew it up when I was at Army training. It was blue and had dirt around the fenders. It had a flat tire when I first saw it.

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Randver Askmadr

Ben, I like the way you changed it. I will have to work on something like that.

 

FD. Sintered just means meshed, or we fit together.

 

DC. Thanks, there was violence but it was me to my brother when I got home.

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