November (a revision)

[Benjamin]

Countless brown needles trample everywhere:

and pine cones rolling down a hectic street

can't tempt wise pets into the wind whipped rain.

 

Both old and young cling on to hats and skirts:

try not to run as gusts of flying leaves

lash prams and twist umbrellas fragile frames.

 

And flooded gutters, where schoolchildren dare

to splash, oblivious of sodden feet,

are playgrounds to their guardians chagrin.

 

The dry days fade in doodles of wet streaks

down a shop window; prematurely lit

with Christmas lights that wish time on again,

 

resemble faces on old maps, that blow

a cold reminder to precede the snow.

[Tinker]

Hi Geoff, I like this sonnet painting a vivid picture of the season. I have to admit it took me a few reads to get the subject of the imagery in the last couplet. I think the punctuation threw me off. But once I got it I loved the perspective.

 

Tink

[Benjamin]

Thanks Tink. I've had a couple of goes at shaping this one and began to think a sonnet was perhaps not quite right for the imagery I wanted to project. Your positive feedback is much appreciated.

[dedalus]

Nice rolling rhythms, but I'm a bit concerned about the (over) abundance of adjectives.

[Benjamin]

Thanks Bren I'll take that on board for my next revision which will most likely appear next November all being well. G.

[dedalus]

Next November??? Oh, ...I see!