eclipse Posted December 21, 2014 Posted December 21, 2014 The earth was dreaming about a moon not yet born, when I entered its dream as a ghost with the moon in my eyes in silhouette held by the creator who joins me to toast the birth of a new moon that dreams of a sun collapsing. The earth, moon and sun dream in unison giving me form, I whistle forever sounds of fire dying, embers teem, welding an impulse within the progeny. Paintings and compositions allude in multitude to resurrection. Adroitly the creator completes his masterpiece, herein a man on a cross. I will bring my progeny to fruition and amend an impulse eternally. Quote
dcmarti1 Posted January 1, 2015 Posted January 1, 2015 Progeny and adroitly? Masterful rhyme. And "moon not yet born?" Ooooo, very nice. Quote
tonyv Posted January 22, 2015 Posted January 22, 2015 Remarkably vivid and musically lovely. You have great vocabulary. I love the use of "progeny," but I think you should use it only once in this poem, either in L9 or L13. A one-syllable synonym would work well in the other line or even two syllables like you have: "within its fruit," or "within my issue." . Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic
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