dr_con Posted March 21, 2015 Share Posted March 21, 2015 March Binghamton New York 2015 It is the day after the Equinox Spring has sprung with all its flurries 3 Boys with snow-shovels scrape at the blacktop of our basketball court desire for a game overwhelms the fugitive reality of locked waters last week a spider hung from our porch blowing gently in the breeze alone born too soon hunger tempered by our frailty. rewrite based on David's comments March Binghamton New York 2015 It is the day after the Equinox Spring has sprung its flurries 3 Boys with snow-shovels scrape at the blacktop of our basketball court desire for a game overwhelms the fugitive reality of locked waters Last week a spider hung from our porch blowing gently in the breeze Alone born too soon her hunger tempers our frailty. : Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 24, 2015 Share Posted March 24, 2015 Hi DC, I like this, a Spring poem that is so very not Spring yet longs for something that should be. Especially like the imagery "the fugitive reality of locked waters" Nice writing.~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted March 25, 2015 Share Posted March 25, 2015 Catches the uncertainty of the seasons perfectly. We've learnt to take the rough with the smooth here and fortunately, have had an unusually mild winter. Good to read that (a reluctant) Spring is imminent on your frigid coast. Much enjoyed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted March 25, 2015 Author Share Posted March 25, 2015 Thanks, Tinker & Geoff -- Glad you 'got it' ;-) Appreciate the comments! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Hi doc, just had to comment on this one, but gave it a few reads first. I really like the balance of economy with originality of image and phrasing. Everything belongs. Most striking is the recurring theme of an inhibited onset of spring realized in a variety of symbols. It is a vivid rendering of the tenacious legacy of an expiring generation constraining the hopes of a newer one. The emergent spider spins its innocent web, children scrape at the playing area surface, all to no avail, their hungers and yearnings striving without gaining purchase. Even Spring has its reserve of flurries inherited from winter. You can feel it! If I may, I would like to comment on the line (3) preparing that last reference: may I recommend further re-working of the refreshed bromide? Don't delay the "rescue" to the following line. Eliminate "with all" and bring up "its flurries" to the same line, or replace with something better preparing your fresh and startling use. (And why does "3" mean better than "three"? Still mulling that one.) And since I am commenting, please take another few looks at the final line. It has a close-but-no-cigar feeling for me. It should be the crowning epiphany, and it almost is. Perhaps it is the word "by" that troubles me: I don't believe it? Or just ignore those comments and delight in the poem as it is. I do! Thank You, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted April 26, 2015 Share Posted April 26, 2015 Coming back appreciatively: "desire" and "hunger" bend the ends of their lines, anchors achingly in sway on the poem's movement. This is just so nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 27, 2015 Author Share Posted April 27, 2015 Thank You David! I'm going to take your excellent suggestions seriously... Lets see what emerges.... Many, many Thanks! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted May 18, 2015 Share Posted May 18, 2015 Hi doc, just coming back to read admiringly again. I should mention that at each reading I feel the way the phrase "locked waters" lands in the poem like an ice floe backing up opportunities of the burgeoning season. Oh, and I do like the changes a lot, thank you for the credit. Take Care, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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