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March Binghamton New York 2015


dr_con
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March Binghamton New York 2015

 

It is

the day after the Equinox

Spring has sprung with all

its flurries 3 Boys with snow-shovels

scrape at the blacktop of our

basketball court desire

for a game overwhelms the

fugitive reality of locked waters

 

last week a spider hung from our

porch blowing gently in the breeze

alone born too soon hunger

tempered by our frailty.

 

rewrite based on David's comments

 

March Binghamton New York 2015


It is

the day after the Equinox

Spring has sprung its flurries

3 Boys with snow-shovels

scrape at the blacktop of our

basketball court desire

for a game overwhelms the

fugitive reality of locked waters


Last week a spider hung from our

porch blowing gently in the breeze

Alone born too soon her hunger

tempers our frailty.

:

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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Catches the uncertainty of the seasons perfectly. We've learnt to take the rough with the smooth here and fortunately, have had an unusually mild winter. Good to read that (a reluctant) Spring is imminent on your frigid coast. Much enjoyed.

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Thanks, Tinker & Geoff -- Glad you 'got it' ;-) Appreciate the comments!

 

Juris

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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  • 1 month later...
David W. Parsley

Hi doc, just had to comment on this one, but gave it a few reads first. I really like the balance of economy with originality of image and phrasing. Everything belongs. Most striking is the recurring theme of an inhibited onset of spring realized in a variety of symbols. It is a vivid rendering of the tenacious legacy of an expiring generation constraining the hopes of a newer one. The emergent spider spins its innocent web, children scrape at the playing area surface, all to no avail, their hungers and yearnings striving without gaining purchase. Even Spring has its reserve of flurries inherited from winter. You can feel it!

 

If I may, I would like to comment on the line (3) preparing that last reference: may I recommend further re-working of the refreshed bromide? Don't delay the "rescue" to the following line. Eliminate "with all" and bring up "its flurries" to the same line, or replace with something better preparing your fresh and startling use. (And why does "3" mean better than "three"? Still mulling that one.)

 

And since I am commenting, please take another few looks at the final line. It has a close-but-no-cigar feeling for me. It should be the crowning epiphany, and it almost is. Perhaps it is the word "by" that troubles me: I don't believe it?

 

Or just ignore those comments and delight in the poem as it is. I do!

 

Thank You,

- Dave

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David W. Parsley

Coming back appreciatively: "desire" and "hunger" bend the ends of their lines, anchors achingly in sway on the poem's movement. This is just so nice.

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Thank You David! I'm going to take your excellent suggestions seriously... Lets see what emerges.... Many, many Thanks!

 

Juris

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
David W. Parsley

Hi doc, just coming back to read admiringly again. I should mention that at each reading I feel the way the phrase "locked waters" lands in the poem like an ice floe backing up opportunities of the burgeoning season. Oh, and I do like the changes a lot, thank you for the credit.

 

Take Care,

- Dave

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