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Poetry Magnum Opus

Wrong end of the telescope


Benjamin
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1

See how the fluff and scratch of sky-trails plait

With spiralled smoke on grainy monochrome

And parachutes below the silence-- wait

In limbo for a rapturous outcome

Past talking heads on neon boards with honed

Synthetic smiles-- Whose eyes convey

A vengeful resurrection for their Rome

Reflected in the usherette's sweet tray

The backseat lovers recoil at her light

It shines on slavery disguised as bliss

And wrestles with a knowledge of the night

That dwindles in the time it takes to kiss

Or starts the movement of a mortal sieve

To riddle those who simply want to live

 

Original

See how the fluff and scratch of sky trails plait

With spiralled smoke on grainy monochrome

And parachutes above the silent-- wait

In limbo for a rapturous outcome

Past talking heads on giant boards with honed

Synthetic smiles-- Whose eyes convey

A vengeful resurrection for their Rome

Now dormant in the usherette's sweet tray

The back-seat lovers recoil at her torch

It shines on slavery disguised as bliss

Provokes an ebb and flow-- a nightly march

That falters in the time it takes to kiss

Or stir the movement of a mortal sieve

To riddle those who simply want to live

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I see form.....syllabic at least, if not metrical.....and some rhyme! :)

 

Torch.....British English for American flashlight? Sorry if that is a silly question. I loved this line:

 

That falters in the time it takes to kiss

 

Nice.

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Battery-torch.. flashlight. Yes.. perhaps my age shows ;-) I had considered "night" and "light" for lines 9 and 11 and will bear it in mind for a rewrite. Trying to capture a sense of past present and future through a prism of human values. G.

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David W. Parsley

The Shakespearean Sonnet never loses its charm. Perfect form as implemented here, Geoff.

 

Thanks,

- Dave

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