Blind side

[JoelJosol]

After removing my glasses,

the smoke muffled the words, shuffled

the meaning, twisted the way ahead like a slur.

 

The acridity bites my ears

like angry dogs tearing away not just fabric

but my flesh from flesh.

 

Outside the open window of the top-most floor,

the air is sucked out to the edge of the concrete

where I stood.

[tonyv]

There isn't a word out of place in this compact poem, Joel. The stanzas are packed with powerful, original imagery. Some of my favorite images:

... the words, shuffled

the meaning, twisted the way ahead like a slur.

 

The acridity bites my ears like angry dogs.

Let them tear away not just fabric

but my flesh from flesh ...

And being familiar with construction environments, I can certainly appreciate how,

Outside the open window of the top-most floor,

the air is sucked out to the edge of the concrete

where I stood with my feet.

I only have one suggestion: perhaps you could change eye-glasses to simply glasses. It seems to read more smoothly as such. I'm impressed with all your ideas. What inspired you (if you don't mind)?

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, Tony. With your suggestion, I decided to hunt down other lines where I can optimize still and change some declarations to more action oriented tone.

 

It's my way of expressing a persona's disappointment or disillusionment.

[Lake]

Joel,

 

I echo Tony's comment - original imagery. Vivid and sharp. The revised is an improvement for sure.

 

Thanks for the good read.

 

Lake

[Aleksandra]

Joel. Wonderful expressed poem. The imageries are so strong and works well. It shows some dark and gray view from the window. I can't pick up favorites lines, because in every line is presented that what I felt in this poem.

 

Thank you for sharing

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, Lake and Alek. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

[goldenlangur]

Hello JoelJosol,

 

What images of violation and pain you portray:

 

'acridity bites my ears', 'angry dogs tearing... my flesh from flesh', 'smoke muffled the words, shuffled the meaning' - All these suggest a wanton disregard for compassion and acceptance.

 

Your last two lines hint at estrangement:

 

^{JoelJosol wrote:}

 

the air is sucked out to the edge of the concrete

where I stood.

 

 

Your poem delivers a strong and sharp impact.

 

goldenlangur