it's dark in the woods today

[Benjamin]

it's dark in the woods today

and stillness after a storm

touches the heart of all life

the rings where night fairies dance

are covered by leaf and branch

and all small creatures lay low

with not a bird to be heard

I ramble in solitude

think of the last man alive

and pause at a dry stone stile

to sigh as fingers of light

touch fawns and the distant doe

[eclipse]

beautifully written Benjamin

[Tinker]

Love it...I've been there often. One suggestion only because when I first read it, my mind automatically substituted the word "doe" for "deer" at the end. The substitution seems to give it the final connection. I saw them just this morning outside my bedroom window. Mama is always watching in the distance.

~~Tink

[dedalus]

Another well-written rumination: 'weep' might be a touch too much and might be replaced by 'sigh'. (Just a suggestion.) I like the appearance of rhymes and near rhymes, 'fairies have danced/ leaf and branch'; 'with not a bird to be heard'.

 

Cheers, Bren

[Benjamin]

Thanks for leaving comment Barry: also to Tink and Bren for the constructive feedback and suggestions which I have put in place. The use of "doe" also adds an extended 'connection' to the word "low"; and "sigh" seems more apt than "weep" in the overall sense of the piece. Much appreciated. G.

[badger11]

Takes the reader into the moment Geoff. Maybe have danced lacks some bounce, perhaps an adjective for the fairies could work the 7 syllables. I like doe.

 

 

the rings where nine fairies danced

now covered by leaf and branch

 

 

muchly enjoyed

 

Phil

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Geoff, I like this piece very much, appreciate the serene motion of thought and form, deft changes made with the help of PMO friends. A nice experience early on a Sunday.

 

With respect to the 'fairies' lines discussed by Phil, I like the sense of the creatures' lingering aura, but agree that the phrase is a little off. Not sure that Phil's revisions fully address the issue, though. Could the poetic motion here be improved by reversing the order of the lines? Perhaps something more like:

 

` leaf and branch cover creases

` faint rings touched by fairy dance

 

Just a (half-baked) thought.

 

This is the kind of poem that brings me here for the experience itself. But I also come for the glow of mutually benefitting dialogue, the spark of platonic symposium.

 

Thank You,

- Dave

[Benjamin]

Thanks guys your input is much appreciated: This short piece was written while the moment was still fresh and your comments highlight in a useful way, how it could be extended with suggestions of movement and mystique. I shall certainly consider them for a revision. I count myself fortunate to live close to a countryside, which prompts an ever changing yet constant therapy for an active (if somewhat aging) mind. Cheers.. Geoff.

[dcmarti1]

More rich imagery! Yes, please. :)