Benjamin Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 it's dark in the woods today and stillness after a storm touches the heart of all life the rings where night fairies dance are covered by leaf and branch and all small creatures lay low with not a bird to be heard I ramble in solitude think of the last man alive and pause at a dry stone stile to sigh as fingers of light touch fawns and the distant doe Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 beautifully written Benjamin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 Love it...I've been there often. One suggestion only because when I first read it, my mind automatically substituted the word "doe" for "deer" at the end. The substitution seems to give it the final connection. I saw them just this morning outside my bedroom window. Mama is always watching in the distance.~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedalus Posted September 3, 2015 Share Posted September 3, 2015 Another well-written rumination: 'weep' might be a touch too much and might be replaced by 'sigh'. (Just a suggestion.) I like the appearance of rhymes and near rhymes, 'fairies have danced/ leaf and branch'; 'with not a bird to be heard'. Cheers, Bren Quote Drown your sorrows in drink, by all means, but the real sorrows can swim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted September 3, 2015 Author Share Posted September 3, 2015 Thanks for leaving comment Barry: also to Tink and Bren for the constructive feedback and suggestions which I have put in place. The use of "doe" also adds an extended 'connection' to the word "low"; and "sigh" seems more apt than "weep" in the overall sense of the piece. Much appreciated. G. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Takes the reader into the moment Geoff. Maybe have danced lacks some bounce, perhaps an adjective for the fairies could work the 7 syllables. I like doe. the rings where nine fairies danced now covered by leaf and branch muchly enjoyed Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 13, 2015 Share Posted September 13, 2015 Hi Geoff, I like this piece very much, appreciate the serene motion of thought and form, deft changes made with the help of PMO friends. A nice experience early on a Sunday. With respect to the 'fairies' lines discussed by Phil, I like the sense of the creatures' lingering aura, but agree that the phrase is a little off. Not sure that Phil's revisions fully address the issue, though. Could the poetic motion here be improved by reversing the order of the lines? Perhaps something more like: ` leaf and branch cover creases ` faint rings touched by fairy dance Just a (half-baked) thought. This is the kind of poem that brings me here for the experience itself. But I also come for the glow of mutually benefitting dialogue, the spark of platonic symposium. Thank You, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted September 14, 2015 Author Share Posted September 14, 2015 Thanks guys your input is much appreciated: This short piece was written while the moment was still fresh and your comments highlight in a useful way, how it could be extended with suggestions of movement and mystique. I shall certainly consider them for a revision. I count myself fortunate to live close to a countryside, which prompts an ever changing yet constant therapy for an active (if somewhat aging) mind. Cheers.. Geoff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 More rich imagery! Yes, please. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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