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The night time sky a trawler with it's net

the moon, catching ghosts, unable to
locate an echo of my future as it faded
away. We threw our net into the waters
below, I wonder if the sea aches for a
heart, it could sigh with the yawning
winds, on this my last trip for a final
haul of mussels. Spirits mistake water
for glass, they pour sand demanding,
form, mass, a frame for an hourglass.
I am but a grain of sand blown into
the eyes of time, resigned to heaven's
tides until they reach the shore. Our
hoard of mussels tastes the drumming
rain, my scarecrow heart is warning
of future terrain as he yearns to explore
the waters of the sun to find an hourglass
filled with suns.
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This is a lovely sonnet-like nocturne very much to my liking. Too much good -- I would have to quote it all -- but I particularly love the mention of the trawler, the net, the moon, the ghosts, the night time sky, the references to the future, and:

 

... I am but a grain of sand blown into
the eyes of time, resigned to heaven's
tides until they reach the shore. Our
hoard of mussels tastes the drumming

rain ...

 

Perfect title, too.

 

Tony

 

 

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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  • 2 weeks later...
David W. Parsley

Lovely imagery and language, Barry. Like badge and Tony, I find the atmosphere lush with pathos and pregnant symbol, the delight of surprise and juxtaposition.

 

I may be missing a deliberate intention behind the mix of tenses, but I found this aspect to be disturbing to the narrative's flow and what I perceived to be its meaning. Shouldn't it all be present tense, with a phrase or two in future tense?

 

Another suggestion, if I may: consider tightening the poem's delivery by paring or eliminating stock phrases such as "The night time sky", "I am but a", "yearns to explore", etc., in favor of cleaner and more original narration.

 

A fine piece of writing in the making, IMHO.

- Dave

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

This is excellent and most human fare: combining philosophical and ethereal, with the practical functions of living under the vastness of creation. Your imagery is not overstated, but relevant and poetically satisfying. For me, one of your very best. Well done.

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