eclipse Posted March 3, 2016 Share Posted March 3, 2016 The night time sky a trawler with it's net the moon, catching ghosts, unable to locate an echo of my future as it faded away. We threw our net into the waters below, I wonder if the sea aches for a heart, it could sigh with the yawning winds, on this my last trip for a final haul of mussels. Spirits mistake water for glass, they pour sand demanding, form, mass, a frame for an hourglass. I am but a grain of sand blown into the eyes of time, resigned to heaven's tides until they reach the shore. Our hoard of mussels tastes the drumming rain, my scarecrow heart is warning of future terrain as he yearns to explore the waters of the sun to find an hourglass filled with suns. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I wonder if the sea aches for a heart, What a lovely notion! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 7, 2016 Share Posted March 7, 2016 This is a lovely sonnet-like nocturne very much to my liking. Too much good -- I would have to quote it all -- but I particularly love the mention of the trawler, the net, the moon, the ghosts, the night time sky, the references to the future, and: ... I am but a grain of sand blown into the eyes of time, resigned to heaven's tides until they reach the shore. Our hoard of mussels tastes the drumming rain ... Perfect title, too. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted March 20, 2016 Share Posted March 20, 2016 Lovely imagery and language, Barry. Like badge and Tony, I find the atmosphere lush with pathos and pregnant symbol, the delight of surprise and juxtaposition. I may be missing a deliberate intention behind the mix of tenses, but I found this aspect to be disturbing to the narrative's flow and what I perceived to be its meaning. Shouldn't it all be present tense, with a phrase or two in future tense? Another suggestion, if I may: consider tightening the poem's delivery by paring or eliminating stock phrases such as "The night time sky", "I am but a", "yearns to explore", etc., in favor of cleaner and more original narration. A fine piece of writing in the making, IMHO. - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted April 2, 2016 Share Posted April 2, 2016 Barry, It is poetry like this that keep this Forum alive. Who can resist such rich imagery. Thank you.~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benjamin Posted June 4, 2016 Share Posted June 4, 2016 This is excellent and most human fare: combining philosophical and ethereal, with the practical functions of living under the vastness of creation. Your imagery is not overstated, but relevant and poetically satisfying. For me, one of your very best. Well done. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.