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Orlando


rhymeguy
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Forgive me for being late to the game. I would have chosen a different title but couldn't come up with anything.

 

I want to hate him,

With all I feel and know.

I can't.

If I hate him

Then it is okay for him to hate me.

Hate is not okay.

 

I want to pity his ignorance.

I can't.

If I pity his ignorance

Then it is okay if he pities mine.

Pity is not okay.

 

I have to accept him

For what he believed.

 

It is hard to be at peace

With everyone.

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abstrect-christ

The feelings are there in clarity, that's the good thing I can say about it -- what needs improvement is the structure, rhyme it out, picture a train track, the moment there's a break in the rhythm is the moment the train goes off the track; give the reader a reason to care about the feelings -- why is the narrater(our imagination) feeling this way; as is, it's only a diary entry -- important to the writer but to an outsider it looks like a person having issues. Not sure if the issue is a translation one or not but that's the best constructive criticism I can give based on what's shown here. If it is a translation or english as a second language kind of thing I can start you off with a basic guide to punctuation and grammar to help you improve presentation via PM but steering away from diary entries and rhyming issues comes from your own efforts.

continue writing; you can only improve with time. :smile:

Pinhead

"Unbearable, isn't it? The suffering of strangers, the agony of friends.

There is a secret song at the center of the world, Joey, and its sound is like razors through flesh."

Joey

"I don't believe you."

Pinhead

"Oh come, you can hear its faint echo right now. I'm here to turn up the volume.

To press the stinking face of humanity into the dark blood of its own secret heart."

"There's a starving beast inside my chest
playing with me until he's bored
Then, slowly burying his tusks in my flesh
crawling his way out he rips open old wounds

When I reach for the knife placed on the bedside table
its blade reflects my determined face
to plant it in my chest
and carve a hole so deep it snaps my veins

Hollow me out, I want to feel empty"
-- "Being Able To Feel Nothing" by Oathbreaker

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBPy3xNwwL8

"Sky turns to a deeper grey

the sun fades by the moon

hell's come from the distant hills

tortures dreams of the doomed

and they pray, yet they prey

and they pray, still they prey"
-- "Still They Prey" by Cough

https://soundcloud.com/relapserecords/sets/cough-still-they-pray

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Hi Rhyme Guy, I thought this poem was a reaction poem and with the title, the event was clear. How you approached it was really surprising and left me thinking about my own feelings. I thought the frame worked just fine. Maybe it could have been just a little stronger if the first 2 stanzas carried the same rhythm. They read like they were supposed to be the same but they weren't. Just a thought. I liked the poem because it made me think.

 

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Hey there Tinker, It is so good to see you name and be back home again. I will work on the second verse. Thanks for reading and as always your thoughts are welcome.

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  • 1 year later...

At the time you wrote this, the title suggested a specific event, as Tinker implied. Reading it today,  I immediately thought of a certain pseudo-president.

As for hate and pity, I have to admit that I have felt both from time to time, and I think it was okay to feel that way as long as I kept it to myself. It's hard not to hate the haters. And, as you said, it's hard to be at peace with everyone.

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