A proletariat frustration! (Edited)

[Bloodyday]

I want my share but no one else

To bury the hatchet

Or the desire of my obsessions.

There is nothing new

Amongst all the few we have

The consolation of consequences.

Are you the fascist one?

Singing the proletariat song

Like the fallacies never end.

Feed my thirst with pains

misery dilutes in truth insane

Psycho dreams like never be stopped.

Thing inside me is so unreal

The real dies in slummy colonies

Let cavity of frustration claiming the victory.................

 

 

**Purpose of garbaging:

That’s the way life goes one to watch devil’s smiles

But won’t regret the scars we achieved....................................................................

 

(will it require to be further edited? i don't know)

[goldenlangur]

Hello RoNy,

 

You have some wonderfully unusual details in this poem, to quote a few examples:

 

Fallacy of happiness, truth becomes fraud, cavity of frustration and Psycho dreams.

 

If you're not offended I wondered if the poem is too laden with ideological concepts - proletariat - (have not heard of this Marxist category for a long time!) and fascist, which certainly carry a weight of historical reference and political reality. But perhaps a little more concrete images to bring out the ideas that these evoke? For instance, I like 'slummy colony' but perhaps 'consolation of consequences' might need some imagery to bring out what it really means?

 

As, ever, this is only an opinion for you to reject as you see fit. But your poem exudes passion and conviction and certainly made me stop and think.

 

goldenlangur

[Aleksandra]

I can agree with GL.

Rony, interesting poem, and very unusual expressions too. This poem have some angry sound, irately.

 

This part is deeply expressed:

 

This is the consolation of consequences

Are you the fascist one?

Singing the same proletariat song

like Fallacy of happiness never ends

Feed my thirst with pains of sorrow

 

That shows some fight in yourself, like you see some irony what bother you.

 

I love this poem by you Rony. And nice ending too.

 

Aleksandra

[tonyv]

You always use rich, original expressions, Bloodyday. The ones I enjoyed in this poem are:

There is nothing new ...

 

Are you the fascist one?

 

... like Fallacy of happiness never ends ...

 

My misery dilutes when truth becomes fraud

Psycho dreams never be stopped

Something inside me is real

Real dies everyday in slummy colony

Cavity of frustration acclaims the victory

I like your consistent, characteristic style!

[Bloodyday]

Hi

 

it's hard to do such editing thing on which something i created by myself. it sometimes becomes funny, as whether i don't know how much it worths. because this is a materialistic life and money makes us talk!

 

Dear Goldenlangur

 

your question of quest for consolation of consequences made me sweat as you know in the countries like corrupted ones, some idealisms just only make us confused with the temptation of great future. even people drives into jeopardy or even sacrifice himself for some worthiness, but are they worthy of these respects? it will be a great shocked even the supreme leaders are caught and sent to jail due to corruptions. but the general people like us again clap if the corrupted ones are freed. because we are still alive and we are chilling under even fake leaders with real idealism...this is the fallacy, this is the consolation.

 

Dear Aleksandra

 

yap u are right, perhaps u looked up to the pure idealistic practices where corruption merely exists!

 

Dear TonyV

 

you are always cute reader with some deepest thoughts for the quest of why-what.....but your comments always inspire me!

 

but at the end of the story, i tried to edit this body. though i am not like Lake, the perfectionist one, but i edited this stuff. i think things will be easier to understand!

 

but i don't know: does it further edit?

 

too much but's too much confusion! Damn....man! i am screwed these days

[dr_con]

Rony,

 

Fascinating, i agree with the previous comments, this is filled with rich images and a deep frustration- it may need to be edited again, to add a bit of clarity, but the intention and the message stand clear and true. Maybe a break before editing again?

 

Well done,

 

DC

[Aleksandra]

I want my share but no one else

To bury the hatchet

Or the desire of my obsessions.

There is nothing new

Amongst all the few we have

The consolation of consequences.

Are you the fascist one?

Singing the proletariat song

Like the fallacies never end.

Feed my thirst with pains

misery dilutes in truth insane

Psycho dreams like never be stopped.

Thing inside me is so unreal

The real dies in slummy colonies

Let cavity of frustration claiming the victory.................

 

 

**Purpose of garbaging:

That's the way life goes one to watch devil's smiles

But won't regret the scars we achieved....................................................................

 

(will it require to be further edited? i don't know)

 

Well Rony, this is now pretty good job here. I loved this revised version of this poem. It's more compact, and more eloquent.

If I can say something what I can notice with my poor English, but anyway, if is helpful for you, I think that you can work some more on punctuation.

And also on the end when you say: " Psycho dreams like never be stopped." - if you say something like:

like psycho dreams that never stop " I think that sounds better.

 

It's free to not agree with me Rony , but I got some feeling while reading, that maybe even I - can be useful - once in a while . Anyway I am not so good about this, but I just love your poem, and the same one took me back to read it again.

 

Aleksandra

[douglas]

an interesting read - but i am left a little confused as to the actual essence of the poem... some good ideas and images do jump off the screen though!