dr_con Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 a ____Song _Love http://www.virtualdali.com/23CubistSelfPortrait.html I cross the street dodge the car because of you Without that or this, my bones would crumble as I climbed from bed more a drum than a violin and I would have died not come back pretending the story hasn't changed Without your promise I would be content with answers we wouldn't grovel before the Mystery and I would chase my food, lounge in long afternoons full of pride laugh at the wrong moments rage from fear not insight there would never be a good reason to goodbye or hello nothing to greet nothing to greet Just the absence of the forever presence here or there empty, empty waiting to be filled empty, empty waiting to be filled because of you. Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 Dr.Con. I loved the painting which is also same as your avatar. Is that inspiration for this poem? This poem, flows with unusual sad expressions. I love the way how the feelings in this poem are expressed. and I would have died not come back pretending the story hasn't changed Here you say something very reasonable and truthful, with what I totally agree with you, in the context of your poem: there would never be a good reason to goodbye or hello The poem is finishing in some silently way, but the repetition gives some inner screaming, what sounds to me as a crown on this poem. Thank you for sharing, much enjoying. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 dr.con, i loved reading this poem. it has a very creative abstracted feel and structure and i enjoyed the emotional montage that you so deftly created. "Without your promise I would be content with answers we wouldn't grovel before the Mystery and I would chase my food, lounge in long afternoons full of pride laugh at the wrong moments rage from fear not insight" i particularly enjoyed this stanza, which i consider to be the spine and essence of the poem. your use of repetition is particulary successful and evocative. well written and enjoyable! doug Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 What a lyrical masterpiece! As for the form, the line lengths, line breaks, and the poem's overall appearance on the page/screen are pleasing. The capitalization and punctuation are right there: the former, you use stylistically, at logical places like at the beginnings of syntactical units (when necessary and expected) and for the first person pronoun; the latter, you employ in a minimalist, appropriate fashion within lines and at the end of the poem. Your use of repetition augments the poem's already delightful musicality and enhances its overall flow. The poem has a playful, accusatory tone which is omnipresent, and it demonstrates the narrator's fondness of his beloved. I cross the street dodge the car because of you The car, not a car, connotes a sense of protraction, an "ongoingness" so to speak, as if the speaker is constantly finding himself in similar situations. The next verse corroborates that expectation: Without that or this, my bones would crumble as I climbed from bed more a drum than a violin and I would have died not come back pretending the story hasn't changed The sense of faulting which the reader detected in the first stanza continues, and the drum/violin image is lovely. In the next verse, you capitalize Mystery. Somehow, this suggests a sense of the metaphysical, almost like the narrator is saying, "I could die, so long as I am with you, and it would be okay." Grovel is a great word, and pride, along with the mention of chasing food and "lounging" in long afternoons evokes images of lions. I love how you use goodbye and hello as verbs followed by nothing to greet/nothing to greet. Then, at precisely the right moment, you introduce a long-awaited touch of the erotic -- empty, empty waiting to be filled empty, empty waiting to be filled The end imparts a sense of relief: the undercurrent of blame is still there, and it seems to impart a feeling of "all is right in the world." Thank you for honoring my request by sharing this poem, which is very much to my taste and, IMHO, of publication grade. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Larsen M. Callirhoe Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 i emjoyed reading this. as aleksandra says it really flows. i really love the beginning of this stanza. a ____Song _Love http://www.virtualdali.com/23CubistSelfPortrait.html I cross the street dodge the car because of you Without that or this, my bones would crumble as I climbed from bed more a drum than a violin and I would have died not come back pretending the story hasn't changed Without your promise I would be content with answers we wouldn't grovel before the Mystery and I would chase my food, lounge in long afternoons full of pride laugh at the wrong moments rage from fear not insight this stanza makes this a great poem in my opinion. nicely done dr. con. larsen aka vic Quote Larsen M. Callirhoe Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Many Thanks, Tony, Larsen, Aleks! The cubist love song was inspired by trying to break the trope of a love song into its most basic elements, which led me to thinking about cubism and the shift in perception it caused- Found the Dali self portrait, and thought it exemplified what I was trying to achieve, and would make a fine self reflective avatar Appreciate the commentary and feedback! Much Grace all! DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Posted May 19, 2009 Share Posted May 19, 2009 dr_con , Glad to see you here. All is said by others. I just wanted to add, upon reading the title - a Love Song, I was thinking "Let's see if there's anything new in this theme". Then the poem proved to be exceptionally different than most love poems. What a success! The lines are shot, different than your other poems as I recall, and have a very nice flow. There's one thing I'm hesitant to say is the word "cubist" on the title line, which I understand gives some hint to the reader, but on the other hand I wonder would it be more mysterious if it appears somewhere in the poem. Oh, no, don't do this to me, I'll be confused. Just ignore my rambling. Great read. Lake Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 19, 2009 Author Share Posted May 19, 2009 Thanks Lake--- The final version will not have any references to cubism;-) Just thought I'd give the peeps a heads up this time DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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