camp prison

[eclipse]

The eyes I painted on the cell wall

cry a tear for every lost ally who

receive the wrong ghosts. I am one

of the wax tears on the candle I

bandaged unable to fall, is heaven

waxing angels wrapped in the narrative

of war waiting for names. The flame

reaches the bandage, I am unable to

gauge colours as I watch bodies being

carried out of the prison camp in sacks-

I am led to the tattoo day has placed on night's

back of a sunken church with an exposed spire

seeking history's vein.

[Tinker]

Hi Barry,  This dark piece is skillfully supported by alliteration and the texture of your word choices, heavy  words "war waiting for names"  guage colours as I watch bodies being carried"  "tattoo day"  "sunken church"  and best of all "the wax tears on the candle" .

This took me to thoughts of the holocaust and Dachau which I visited 30 years ago and forever left an impression on me.   

~~Tink

[dcmarti1]

"tattoo day" also struck me. My grandfather was in a POW camp, not a concentration camp, and his image popped into my head while reading this.

[tonyv]

Nice work, Barry. Metaphor makes this poem:

Quote

 

... I am one

of the wax tears on the candle ...

 

Also of interest is the inversion in the title. Where "prison camp" would be expected, the title is "camp prison." Powerful stuff.

Tony

[David W. Parsley]

On ‎6‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 5:20 AM, eclipse said:

seeking history's vein.

Barry, I find the tone and imagery of the poem arresting, as always with your work.  I admire your recent attention to detail in grammar and spelling, but there may be a miss at the start of the poem which was confusing and distracting for this reader:

  The eyes I painted on the cell wall

  cry a tear for every lost ally who

  receive the wrong ghosts. 

The word "receive" implies plurality, which would indicate that "The eyes" are antecedent to "who" to which the wrong ghosts appear, but the diction does not support it.  The sense of the phrase would seem to indicate that the intention is that it is "every lost ally" who is receiving them.  If that is the case, you should use the word, "receives".  If intentional, I do not consider this an effective ambiguity.

On ‎6‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 5:20 AM, eclipse said:

I am one

of the wax tears on the candle I

bandaged unable to fall, is heaven

waxing angels wrapped in the narrative

of war waiting for names.

I likewise can't make this sentence hang together grammatically, but am not convinced that it doesn't work.  Still mulling it, but like Tony, greatly admire individual images like the candle's" wax tears".

On ‎6‎/‎28‎/‎2017 at 5:20 AM, eclipse said:

I am led to the tattoo day has placed on night's

back

What an interesting thought!  But then "of a sunken church" comes in and I'm confused again.  Perhaps you are painting a new image of "night's back of a sunken church"?  Not sure I can conjure that painting.  Given other grammar errors, can't determine if it is another such error, or deliberate manipulation of image and language.  Just one reader's thoughts, possibly missing an insight that reflects more on me than anything else.

- Dave