End of line

[JoelJosol]

---- revised ----

I see the light

from firecrackers dim,

as if poured into hidden spaces.

 

The sky is a blank wall.

Not one star blinks

or glows,

 

Like a poem whose thoughts

are unexpressed, halted

past the end of line.

 

I hear the horns fading,

isolating the echo

of a breath.

 

The air does not waver

like you do,

words stalling in their place.

 

In the powder-filled air,

my words were clobbered

by the mist.

 

 

 

---- original ----

I see the dimming light

of firecrackers filling up

pockets of black spaces.

 

The sky is a blank wall,

like thoughts unexpressed

past the end of line.

 

I hear the sound of horns

fading, isolating the echo

of breaths in the ears.

 

The air does not waver

like your hesitation,

words stalling in their place.

 

In the light rain, my words

remain hidden in the mist.

[goldenlangur]

Hello JoelJosol,

 

 

Happy New Year

 

Your poem conveys the disappointment, shock and pain that the end of a journey - emotional, political, personal. That you cite the painful thoughts against the celebrations of a new year makes the loneliness of the poet all the more moving.The contrast between the sky being lit up by celebratory cracker and the 'dimming of lights' for the poet is poignant.

 

 

 

goldenlangur

[tonyv]

The image in the first stanza is especially vivid. Some see the coming of a new year as "the glass is half full." For me, it's usually the opposite, and I get that bittersweet "glass is half empty" feeling when I read this. The couplet is potent, and the title complements the piece perfectly. Thank you for this. It struck a chord with me.

 

Tony

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, GL and Tony. Not all people are happy in a New Year :-)

[Aleksandra]

^{JoelJosol wrote:}

 

Not all people are happy in a New Year :-)

 

Yes Joel, that's right. But everybody must go on... ;).

 

Back on the poem now :).

 

Joel, this poem is amazing. It flows with nice imageries and expressions. I like how you wrote: " The sky is a blank wall, " and at the end:

In the light rain, my words

remain hidden in the mist.

 

you give such a wonderful expression Joel, somehow that part makes clear a lot of things in the poem.

 

The poem has a good sound and emotions. I love the tone a lot.

 

Thank you for the lovely read.

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, Aleks.

 

I have done some tweaking to strengthen the lines.

[rumisong]

wow, yeah... I think that revision works really well!

 

this bit:

The air does not waver

like you do,

words stalling in their place

 

very nice!

 

and this:

as if poured into hidden spaces.

 

the first version was light filling spaces-

with your revision, light is now animated, and active with the reader, like the reader can now "pour" the light into their own hidden spaces of their imagination...

 

very nice

 

by the tweaking you've done, I can see now that the extra stanza to expand on the blank sky and the unexpressed thoughts, actually serves to simplify the poem- funny thing that, adding in some words can simplify, whereas in the original, the two ideas seemed a bit "crowded" ...

 

nice!

 

you inspire me to do more revising of my own - Im much more likely to just put out stuff, and not come back to it- I need to do more to come back and tweak... its worth it...