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Out of Sync


Tinker
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Out of Sync

Summer's heavy hot air
smothers this Autumn night,
while ACs hum everywhere.

Kids sprayed against insect bite
cavort around the backyard pool
and swim by Tiki torch light

Eating melon juicy and cool,
butter slathered corn on the cob,
and grilling burgers make us drool.

It should be weather for apple bob,
carving pumpkin funny faces,
and being scared by The Blob.

Time for wearing shoes with laces,
no more skimpy shorts and flip flops.
Football replaces rounding bases.

We wait for chilly rain drops
to seal the deal on Fall.
But this night, give Summer its props.
                   ~~Judi Van Gorder

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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David W. Parsley

Interesting use of terza rima, Tinker, introducing an irregular metric length in the lines.  Clever treatment of indian summer.  

Query: do you think the first line would work better without "hot"?  It seems redundant, though it does leaden the rhythm to bring the sensation of heavy, humid heat.  Could something else be used to the same effect?

For this reader the third stanza's opening inversion makes the whole tercet seem contrived, disturbs the easy conversational tone.

Fun!

 - Dave

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Hi David,  I should have put this in the workshop.  I am not happy with a lot of it and know it needs a lot of help.  It was written for a challenge elsewhere to write at least 5 tercets, rhyme aba bcb cdc etc, no meter suggestion.  I had a sort of deadline, my own really.   I couldn't think of anything to write about, but it was the 3rd hot night after the chilly breeze that ushered in Fall right on the nose.  So 

summer's heavy hot air
smothers the Autumn night
while ACs hum everywhere

6 syllable lines all true to my experience at the moment.   Well my portable AC was humming, everywhere was an assumption.  I had just spoken on the phone with my son in So Cal, there it was close to 100 and he was BBQing outside while the kids were playing in and around their pool.  The first two stanzas were literally my evening From there on the rhyme was dictating this poem.   Originally I stuck with 6 syllable lines.

Original                                                                          Revision

sprayed against insect bite                                          Kids sprayed against insect bite
kids play around the pool                                             cavort around the backyard pool
and swim by Tiki light                                                   and swim by Tiki torch light

Smell from grill makes us drool                                  Eating melon juicy and cool,                                  
buttered corn on the cob                                              butter slathered corn on the cob,
and melon juicy and cool                                             and grilling burgers make us drool.

I agree with you,  the third stanza is awkward in both versions.  It is one of the reasons I went to longer lines.  The other reason was to give images clarity.  I really don't like the uneven meter.  6 syllables sound a bit terse yet expanding some 6 syllable lines to 8 syllables is too much. 

Season for apple bob                                                   It should be weather for apple bob,
carving scary faces                                             carving pumpkin funny faces,
kids in school to hob nob                                             and being scared by The Blob.

Wearing shoes with laces                                           Time for wearing shoes with laces,
discarding worn out flip flops                                     no more skimpy shorts and flip flops.
end of rounding bases                                                 Football replaces rounding bases.

We wait for cold rain drops                                        We wait for chilly rain drops
to seal the deal on Fall.                                               to seal the deal on Fall
Soon to harvest crops,                                                But this night, give Summer its props.  


I'd love to turn this around and make it a decent poem. I'm open to any ideas.    


Thanks,  Tink      

 

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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  • 3 weeks later...
Frank Coffman

Novel terza rima poem. The cadences vary from the strict iambic -- it seems syllabic on either 7 or 8? Nice use of the form for descriptive detail. With some narration and a clincher statement for theme.

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Welcome to PMO. I'm impressed that as a new member you began with reading and commenting on other's work, that is what keeps the forum alive. Thanks for reading and commenting on Out of Sync. The jury is still out on this one, I'm unhappy with the rhythm and flow and I keep coming back trying to fix it. The title not only reflects the weather but also the rhythm which was not deliberate. Your comment captured my doubts which clearly show in the poem. Good ear. ~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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