JoelJosol Posted December 21, 2017 Share Posted December 21, 2017 I feel like I am driving against the rain while the downpour smashes against my windshield like mad. If only I could take that right turn onto a road of rain-less sky, that ascends to a safe hill. I miscalculated. Instead, the heartaches are rising like floodwaters, there is no point to clear the windshield. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted December 23, 2017 Share Posted December 23, 2017 Hi Joel, This piece left me feeling like I want to help. Helpless, hopeless were the messages I got. In the first stanza you use two different tenses. I am driving / while downpour smashes This left me with a sadness. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted December 24, 2017 Author Share Posted December 24, 2017 Thanks for the read and catch, Tink. That is really the atmosphere (no pun intended) of the poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted December 24, 2017 Share Posted December 24, 2017 I really like the metaphor, but why not just drop the first three words? I am driving against the rain ... Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eclipse Posted December 28, 2017 Share Posted December 28, 2017 excellent use of metaphor-well done Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted February 5, 2018 Share Posted February 5, 2018 Joel, add me to the list of those who think this extended metaphor just rocks! Like Tony, I look askance at the closing tercet, finding that I like the final line but find the previous two less interesting than the rest of the poem. Could that line be pulled up into the main body and the other two eliminated? Nice poem! - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob Posted March 28, 2018 Share Posted March 28, 2018 (edited) Joel: I might be way off course. I do realize we all see a different scenario to similar problems. We express ourselves as best we can. For the hypothetical person involved here...I felt great sympathy. It seemed to me this person was about to give up, feeling there was no point of return. After reading your post I wonder if I understood this person's problem as well as you have portrayed it. I took liberties to try to express these same feelings, without too many changes. I hope I did it justice. Mentally... I felt I was driving blindly in a rain smashing furiously against my overwhelmed windshield I needed desperately to take a different turn onto a new route of rain less sky to ascend to a safer plateau I miscalculated; Instead... My heartaches... like floodwaters... were overpowering there was no point to clear the windshield. Many years ago I worked 18 months with Schizophrenic, and other mentally disabled students who wanted to start their own writers club. Their stories were beautiful, overwhelming, loving, and some were so far out in left field it was hard to imagine that anyone could create stories and poems that they wrote. YarnSpinner Edited March 28, 2018 by bob Mispelling of words Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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