dr_con Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Hypnagogic Metropolis Did you used to dance? is that where the one-two comes from in your stumble or concrete doorways across from Mason & Taylor where the air shudders with your strong-man empty handed lifts too many red rimmed eyes the cold snaps with velocity around fenced rubble empty blank stares eyelids shutter three-four the conflation of wealth with freedom telescopes across the lush green of Golden Gate Park leaving only dunes and homeless camps five-six pick up sticks and build a rake carefully groom rock gardens seven-eight the silence here is the same ranters-ravers-mumblers catching up with the pavers the initial shock of nine-ten wakes us all up in fear and trembling, again. Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rumisong Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 WOW, what beautiful sounds come out when this is read! Ill go back for meanings, but just the sound-feel, is... wow... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 DrC, very clever. I enjoyed the subtle context shifting. The use of sonics reminds me of Charles Bernstein. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 Thanks Rumi, Joel! Interesting, I have been immersed in editing a book of poetry and have been writing a great deal less for me... This was one of my more straightfoward Urban Scrawl poems, I jotted while on the bus coming home, very tired, but at the point of translation to page, the sound and images became all important, stripping away the heavy handed text... Many Thanks, DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Dr.Con. What a wonderful piece. I loved. The title captures my attention. Hypnagogic - like a state between wakefulness and sleep. I think somewhere I have read that in the writings of Aristotle were found some references to hypnagogic. So I read this poem and I noticed the fast pulse, the movement of this poem. The missing of punctuations did their work here. Very interesting job. I am impressed. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Fantastic view of the "other side" which coexists like a parallel universe, sometimes seen and heard, often unnoticed, in city surrounds. These parts really take me there: empty blank stares eyelids shutter three-four the conflation of wealth with freedom telescopes across the lush green of Golden Gate Park leaving only dunes and homeless camps ... pick up sticks and build a rake carefully groom rock gardens ... The end seems to give the reader a "butterfly effect" -- it could be any one of us if fate took a different twist: the initial shock of nine-ten wakes us all up in fear and trembling, again. I can't believe you wrote this in the relatively short time of a bus ride. I'm always impressed with and slightly envious of the creative output of others. For me, it's usually a struggle to produce anything. Well done! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Hello DC, There's a great twist in your title and also your use of a nursery rhyme -'one, two buckle my shoes...'. The use of a nursery verse like a lullaby to induce sleep contrasts with the sounds and activities in the city that continue late into the night. One imagines a kind of tug-of-war as sleep becomes more and more elusive : too many red rimmed eyes .... the silence here is the same ranters-ravers-mumblers catching up with the pavers the initial shock of nine-ten wakes us all up in fear and trembling, again. But while many enjoy 'dance' and perhaps a night out in drunken revelry, sleep is elusive for others as they struggle in freezing conditions ( the cold snaps with velocity across the lush green of Golden Gate Park leaving only dunes and homeless camps Your poem gives a vivid picture of the city and its denizens in the night. But I could be well off the mark in my reading. However, enjoyed this very much. goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 20, 2009 Author Share Posted May 20, 2009 Tony, Golden, Many thanks for your insightful comments. Tony, I have a tendency to write fast and furious, but then take a little while to process when I edit on to screen and then re-edit (usually) a bit latter after thought and my in house editor has her say;-) Golden, that is as good of a summary as any, and put better than I could;-) DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldenlangur Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 Good to know that I've done some justice to your work: dr_con wrote: Golden, that is as good of a summary as any, and put better than I could;-) DC goldenlangur Quote goldenlangur Even a single enemy is too many and a thousand friends too few - Bhutanese saying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frank E Gibbard Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 An observational work that paints an SF landscape I do not know. I had to do a bit of googling to contextualise things DC. Found info on the park landscaped by a Scot apparently, converted from scrub & your dunes. Much in this homeless, street performers, you people your panorama thickly and introduced me to a word in your title you clever B, hypno...?? yerwot? A lot packed in. Echo echo, ecco (yes I pasted some of this review from elsewhere, didn't I?) Lazy old me. Frank Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted May 20, 2009 Share Posted May 20, 2009 i loved reading this poem. it is really beautifully written. i loved the rhythm that you created to break the different scenes, and yet you achieved a unifying overall effect through this as well. you describe moments and varied observations that are contained within one place. i particularly loved this stanza: too many red rimmed eyes the cold snaps with velocity around fenced rubble empty blank stares eyelids shutter three-four thank you, dr Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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