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Poetry Magnum Opus

Mineral Skies


tonyv
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Lake_ChaubunagungamauggRSpmo.JPG
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His well-put lines foretold a sanguine future.
A masterpiece -- he thought she would agree.
But then he woke up drunk a decade later
only to gaze beyond a silver lake
beneath its concrete mid-October sky.

_____________________________________
Notes:
This image has been in my archives for a decade. It's somehow
meaningful to me and inspired me to write this poem.

 

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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WoW!  I love this right up to the last word "sky" which for some reason sounds out of place to me.  It has too sharp a sound amid the softer, dreamier sounds of the rest of the poem.  I want to substitute a word like "veil" or "clouds".    Strange how poems touch one.  This is really beautiful Tony.  You need to look in your archives for more inspiration if this photo produced this gem. 

~~Judi

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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Thank you, Judi! I'm excited that someone likes this. I didn't think anyone would.

3 hours ago, Tinker said:

... the last word "sky" which for some reason sounds out of place to me.  It has too sharp a sound amid the softer, dreamier sounds of the rest of the poem ...

This point is well taken."Veil" is nice, and similar words could work e.g. dome. I'll consider this some more, but for now, I actually like "sky." The way I see it, its harshness functions like a period.

3 hours ago, Tinker said:

You need to look in your archives for more inspiration if this photo produced this gem.

That's a really good suggestion!

Thanks again,

Tony :happy:

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Some additional thoughts ...

What I really mean to convey in the penultimate line is the sense of alone:

to gaze, alone, beyond a silver lake

Does the line as it stands now -- only to gaze beyond a silver lake -- make sense in that way?

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Thanks again, Judi. I'm really glad it's coming across as I had hoped. I wasn't aware that L3 was working like that, and I'm glad it is. But does the language in L4 make sense, or should I change it to "to gaze, alone, across a silver lake" ... wait I think I'm about to answer my own question. If I change L4 to that, I would be telling instead of showing.:excl: I should keep it the way it is. Does that make sense?

Tony :huh:

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Terry L shuff

How many lives have faced disillusion from their own actions?   countless.....countless.

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1 minute ago, Terry L shuff said:

How many lives have faced disillusion from their own actions?   countless.....countless.

I like it, Terry! 

Thank you,

Tony :happy:

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Terry L shuff

The message was so clear to me Tony.  Some websites are inundated with stories of ruined lives. Written in the form of poetry. I can't help but to advise them. And some are grateful.  My wife Linda and I don't have personal experience in these tragic lifestyles.  We've  been  blessed with a stable and happy life as a result of  good parenting,good children,and and a strong desire to be the best people we can be.

 

 

 

.

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27 minutes ago, Terry L shuff said:

The message was so clear to me Tony.  Some websites are inundated with stories of ruined lives. Written in the form of poetry. I can't help but to advise them. And some are grateful.  My wife Linda and I don't have personal experience in these tragic lifestyles.  We've  been  blessed with a stable and happy life as a result of  good parenting,good children,and and a strong desire to be the best people we can be.

That's good news, Terry. Thankfully, in my case this is not entirely autobiographical. There are some regrets, some of which are normal, others a bit peculiar and consequences of my own doing but nothing devastating.

For me, it's about the art. What I find fascinating is how when it comes to artists and their lives the art can overlap, mix it up, and surprise. For instance, I don't know if you remember the old television series  "Marcus Welby, M.D." which starred actor Robert Young. (I would consider actors to be artists to some degree.) I was blown away when I read in the Wikipedia article about Young that, "Despite his trademark portrayal of happy, well-adjusted characters, Young's bitterness toward Hollywood casting practices never diminished, and he suffered from depression and alcoholism, culminating in a suicide attempt in January 1991." The role he played was so real to me, the viewer, that I could not imagine that his life was altogether different. Now, my poem has nothing to do with him or the television series, but I'm presenting the comparison to illustrate how it often is for me when it comes to my poetry and art. 

Thank you again for engaging, for your kind replies. 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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It is from Badger I’ve learned that the story one tells does not have to be your story.  It can come from the imagination and I have been pushing my self to step out of my comfort zone and describe imaginary scenes.  It doesn’t always work but sometimes. . .

~~Judi

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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