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Pontypool Park: A Formative Year


badger11
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revision3

Jane's carving on the bench dedicated
to the loving memory of a husband.
Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands.

A golden labrador panting that breath
of eager life, tramples through the snowdrops,
snaps at a KitKat wrapper. It is the chase

that sweetens lips. This morning was burnt toast:
as dry as married sex he'd always say.
Jane carves letters into wood with precision.

 

 

revision2

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
hurries across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.

Jay's carving on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of a husband.
Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands.

A panting labrador ghosting that breath
of eager life, tramples through the crocus,
snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase

that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast:
as dry as married sex he'd always say.
She carves letters into wood with precision.

======================================================================================

 

revision

 

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
scuttles across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.
And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish.

She's waiting on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of her best friend's
father. She can picture his breakfast grin.
It is the chase that butters lips. Not her.

========================================================================

 

original

A salt and vinegar packet of crisps
scuttles across tarmac into the bloom
of purple, white, variegated crocus.

She's waiting on the bench dedicated
in loving memory of her best friend's.
husband. She can picture his breakfast grin.

A panting labrador ghosting that breath
of eager life, tramples through the crocus,
snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase

that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast:
as dry as married sex he'd always say.
And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish. Not her.

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Badge,  I kind of liked the Parkland title.    I love the language  " packet of crisps" ,  in the US  "bag of chips" .    I have to admit to being confused by who "he" is and the last line.

My favorite line is "It is the chase that butters lips."    

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself.

Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say."  But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision.  Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission.  I love watching the progression of your poems.

~~Tink

~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~

For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com

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On 2/19/2019 at 6:53 AM, Tinker said:

I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself.

Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say."  But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision.  Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission.  I love watching the progression of your poems.

~~Tink

Thanks Tink. I was 'put off' by that line too, but I have restored.

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I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses.

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The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know!

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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On 2/24/2019 at 11:38 PM, dcmarti1 said:

I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses.

Cheers Marti. That line between opaque and oblique is always a difficult one. Pleased I've drawn it on the right side!

best

Phil

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On 2/25/2019 at 12:48 AM, tonyv said:

The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know!

Tony

😀 My kind of reader!

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  • 1 month later...
David W. Parsley

Hi Phil,

I always like your work and this is no exception, "rust" notwithstanding (I don't see no schtinking rust but what do I know 😏).  I, too, prefer many things about rev. 2, but confess that I really liked the final line of the original.  I also prefer the original "scuttles" to "hurries", as more vivid and superior in symbol.  Everything else works very well indeed!

Cheers!

 - David

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Revision 3, after multiple reads, seems the clearest and probably best;-) (to me, although I do miss the crisps;-)

 

Many Thanks!

 

Juris

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

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