badger11 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 revision3 Jane's carving on the bench dedicated to the loving memory of a husband. Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands. A golden labrador panting that breath of eager life, tramples through the snowdrops, snaps at a KitKat wrapper. It is the chase that sweetens lips. This morning was burnt toast:as dry as married sex he'd always say. Jane carves letters into wood with precision. revision2 A salt and vinegar packet of crisps hurries across tarmac into the bloom of purple, white, variegated crocus. Jay's carving on the bench dedicated in loving memory of a husband. Not hers. But she liked his cheeky grin. His hands. A panting labrador ghosting that breath of eager life, tramples through the crocus, snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast:as dry as married sex he'd always say. She carves letters into wood with precision. ====================================================================================== revision A salt and vinegar packet of crisps scuttles across tarmac into the bloom of purple, white, variegated crocus. And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish. She's waiting on the bench dedicated in loving memory of her best friend's father. She can picture his breakfast grin. It is the chase that butters lips. Not her. ======================================================================== original A salt and vinegar packet of crisps scuttles across tarmac into the bloom of purple, white, variegated crocus. She's waiting on the bench dedicated in loving memory of her best friend's. husband. She can picture his breakfast grin. A panting labrador ghosting that breath of eager life, tramples through the crocus, snaps at the crisp packet. It is the chase that butters lips. This morning was burnt toast: as dry as married sex he'd always say. And now it's raining. The rain's mawkish. Not her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Badge, I kind of liked the Parkland title. I love the language " packet of crisps" , in the US "bag of chips" . I have to admit to being confused by who "he" is and the last line. My favorite line is "It is the chase that butters lips." ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted February 17, 2019 Author Share Posted February 17, 2019 Thanks Tink. I have restored the title. best badge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 17, 2019 Share Posted February 17, 2019 My take would be that "he" is her best friend's late husband who, like the dog, relished the chase. A short poem that shows a lot. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted February 19, 2019 Author Share Posted February 19, 2019 Thanks Tony. I felt 'rusty' writing this, but writing is the only way to clear the rust! cheers Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself. Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say." But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision. Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission. I love watching the progression of your poems. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Yes, I'll have to read this a few more times over the next few days to process the changes. Tony 😔 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted February 21, 2019 Author Share Posted February 21, 2019 On 2/19/2019 at 6:53 AM, Tinker said: I'm glad you restored the title, it is interesting all by itself. Now I have to admit to being slightly put off by ""The morning was burnt toast; as dry as married sex" he would say." But it is really a great line and I am wondering why it is left out of the revision. Then again changing husband to father might have influenced the omission. I love watching the progression of your poems. ~~Tink Thanks Tink. I was 'put off' by that line too, but I have restored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted February 25, 2019 Share Posted February 25, 2019 The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 On 2/24/2019 at 11:38 PM, dcmarti1 said: I did like Rev 2 best. Much more ambiguous, open to so many guesses. Cheers Marti. That line between opaque and oblique is always a difficult one. Pleased I've drawn it on the right side! best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted March 1, 2019 Author Share Posted March 1, 2019 On 2/25/2019 at 12:48 AM, tonyv said: The progression of this has been interesting, especially how you took a lot out in the first revision and then reincorporated it. I, too, like Revision 2. I so want to know what she inscribed upon the bench. I don't want the poem to tell me, I just want to know! Tony 😀 My kind of reader! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted April 21, 2019 Share Posted April 21, 2019 Hi Phil, I always like your work and this is no exception, "rust" notwithstanding (I don't see no schtinking rust but what do I know 😏). I, too, prefer many things about rev. 2, but confess that I really liked the final line of the original. I also prefer the original "scuttles" to "hurries", as more vivid and superior in symbol. Everything else works very well indeed! Cheers! - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 Thank you very much David for your sensitive reading. I have removed S1 and edited. all the best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 Revision 3, after multiple reads, seems the clearest and probably best;-) (to me, although I do miss the crisps;-) Many Thanks! Juris Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted April 24, 2019 Author Share Posted April 24, 2019 Thanks Juris. I was aiming for more clarity. cheers Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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