Ode to Oats

[Tinker]

 Ode to Oats

Steam bowls off
the bubbling mound
of my morning oatmeal
waiting patiently 
to be smothered by butter 
oozing into its oaty crevices
and the soothing rivulets
of pearly milk.

A smatter of raisins
stirred in, 
renders a tart
sweetness
to tickle my taste buds.

Sustenance to savor.
             ~~Judi Van Gorder

Revision Dumped

Ode to Oats       (revision)

Steam bowls off the bubbling
mound of my morning
oatmeal waiting patiently 
to be smothered by butter 
oozing into its oaty crevices
and soothing rivulets
of pearly milk.

A smatter of raisins
stirred in, 
renders a tart
sweetness
to tickle my taste buds.

Sustenance to savor.
             ~~Judi Van Gorder

Notes: ▼

 

[badger11]

Nice one Tink. Certainly sells its subject...though I consume porridge to avoid the sweeter cravings😀

[dcmarti1]

Aww, you west coast lefties. Gimme cornmeal mush with cheddar cheese and diced jalapenos. 🙂

 

 

[Tinker]

Thanks Badge, my brother and husband add a liberal dose of sugar to their oatmeal which i avoid.  But i do like just a few raisins for that touch of sweet and tart  to spike up the bland flavor of the oats.

~~Tink

[Tinker]

Haha Marti,  You made me laugh.  i have to admit my food choices do run to the organic, healthy side of the spectrum.  We have fresh, organic produce year round in abundance here in Cali.  Plus my own organic garden supplies me with plenty during the season.  But we too have the Mexican influence and cornmeal with cheddar and jalapeños sound pretty good to me too.  Although it wouldn’t make a regular diet of it.

~~Tink

[eclipse]

Lovely ode...I eat porridge every morning...

[badger11]

Why the revision Tink?

[Tinker]

Badge,  I was playing with line breaks and alliteration... too much?

~~Tink

[tonyv]

On 7/26/2019 at 2:43 PM, badger11 said:

Why the revision Tink?

 

On 7/26/2019 at 6:08 PM, Tinker said:

Badge,  I was playing with line breaks and alliteration... too much?

~~Tink

 

While it's up to the poet, I prefer the original first stanza with its shorter lines and line breaks.

Tony

[Tinker]

 

3 hours ago, tonyv said:

While it's up to the poet, I prefer the original first stanza with its shorter lines and line breaks.

Yes,  Now that I have come back to this twice, I have to agree,  I'm reverting back to the original.   When badge asked the question, I reread and thought the revision was a little over the top, and asked, too much?   And here you are Tony, saying the same thing in a different way.  Sometimes I just have to let a poem rest to be able to see its flaws.

~~Judi

[badger11]

Hi Tink,

I asked the question to understand your purpose in revising. Obviously so much is subjective, but in my reading I preferred the fluidity of the original. In general, I do read 'skinny' poems down the page without an emphasis on linebreak pauses. However, the revision prompted my reading to break that fluidity with more 'pause'.

best

Phil