JoelJosol Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 ---- optimized version ---- Tonight I chance upon, dipping my eyes on this starry night, your star's glow just above the horizon of this plain heart. You fell from this orbit, my love's weight denting space where you spin. I studied you with maps, to predict your journey across my sky while sleep agreed to let me be intoxicated by your sight. Your reflection starboard side, made me grip the railings lest I fall, into love's unmeasured depths. --- non-optimized version --- How many evenings can I chance upon for me to dip my eyes on this starry night, to catch one star's glow not far from North, just above the horizon of my plain heart? For that is how you fell into this orbit, my love's weight denting the space for you to spin into. I studied you with maps, to predict your journey across my sky while sleep agreed to let me be intoxicated by your sight. Your reflection on the still waters, starboard side, made me grip the railings lest I fall, into love's unmeasured depths. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Lyrical and lovely, Joel. I especially like how ... sleep agreed to let me be intoxicated by your sight. The title -- how you derive it from the poem -- is perfect. Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you, Tony. You are the second reader that picked that line. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleksandra Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Amazing lyrical piece by you, Joel. Sounds as a song the first two stanzas. How many evenings can I chance upon for me to dip my eyes on this starry night, to catch one star's glow not far from North, just above the horizon of my plain heart? I especially love the stanza where are expressed the unreserved feelings: and of course the lines which Tony quoted: I studied you with maps, to predict your journey across my sky, while sleep agreed to let me be intoxicated by your sight. Wonderful write. Aleksandra Quote The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau History of Macedonia Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tilsover Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Joel, This poem takes me to a warm and romantic place that I'm far away from, now. And I have to concur, "sleep agreed to let me be" is a sweet, sweet phrase. Nice. --tilsover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thank you, Alek and tilsover. I decided to convert this poem to a sonnet. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 Astonishing, wondrous, very lyrical, deeply universal, and just plain hard to do successfully, capturing the intensity of universal 'love' with such a powerful image. Color me impressed. DC Quote thegateless.org Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thanks, DrC. I came out with an optimized version. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
douglas Posted May 21, 2009 Share Posted May 21, 2009 i love your optimized version! i love this poem, the universal theme, the romance, the dream, the emotions conveyed - gorgeous! Quote To receive love, you have to give it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 21, 2009 Author Share Posted May 21, 2009 Thanks, douglas! Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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