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An Undeliverable Valentine Card


Lake
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An Undeliverable Valentine Card

 

Revised

 

I wish you could come

to read my poems

as I’m now reading yours

and bring your pruners

to trim each dead branch.

 

I wish you could listen

to my readings

as I’m now listening to yours

and add your luring accent

to my monotonous voice.

 

I wish you could look

into my eyes

as I’m now looking at yours

and feel my mind surging

like a spring river.

 

But you’re gone

without leaving an address

the words I want to say to you

dropped to the deepest dream

you promised to haunt.

 

 

Original

 

I wish you could come

to read my poems

as I’m now reading yours

and bring your pruners

to trim clichés, redundancies.

 

I wish you could listen

to my readings

as I’m now listening to yours

and add your hometown accent

to enrich my voice.

 

I wish you could look

into my eyes

as I’m now looking at yours

and read my thoughts

to know how much I miss you.

 

But you’re gone

without leaving your address

the words I want to say to you

remain silent, waiting for

your haunt in my deepest dream.

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Lake,

 

A masterful tribute to another poet, another some-one, lost in the vagaries of time.

 

At once immediate and ironic, and nostalgic and warm.

 

A great accomplishment.

 

DC

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

Gate(less.png

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dr_con,

 

Thank your for your comment. I'm always very grateful to the readers' interpretations and feel of my poems, at the same time I also wish to hear suggestions as how to improve my poems. I have edited this one to see if it's getting better or worse for not all the revisions are certainly better than the originals.

 

Many thanks dr.

 

Lake

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Lake,

 

In this case, I like the first, while 'rougher' and possibly a little less eloquent, the voice feels, to me to be more honest, less of the Editor and more of the authentic self.

 

I have an uneasy time trying to 'improve' someone's poetry, in this kind of medium--- If I enjoy the voice, who am I to tweak their voice, I find that too often their is a tendency to try echo one's own voice rather than honestly edit--- Good poets are particularly difficult, since often what they are trying to change is their own inner critic and that is not a battle worth fighting in this medium...

 

Our dear friend Dedalus on PC is a wonderful example, his talent borders on genius, but when he does critique he often misses the inherent perfection of the authors voice and work, since he is both trying to come to grips with his own voice and talent, and trying to create a category of good versus bad in order to explain his own battles;-)

 

Much Grace!

 

DC

thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules.

 

Gate(less.png

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Despite a slight sentimentality, the first version was nevertheless captivating. It caught the attention and kept it. However, you did make some high quality improvements in the second version, especially in the first verse: you replaced some "telly" specifics (and bring your pruners/to trim clichés, redundancies) with a killer image:

... and bring your pruners

to trim each dead branch.

I also like your use of luring in lieu of hometown in the second verse, and how you replaced your address with an address in the last verse. In the case of the former, hometown is a fine word, but luring denotes that the accent is somehow special; in the case of the latter, an address is more appealing to the reader.

 

PS -- I do wish I knew whom this was for ... icon_smile.gif

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Having read both versions, I would keep the original S1 and S2 and the revised S4, with revised S3 tweaked a little

 

I wish you could look

into my eyes

as I’m now looking at yours

and feel my mind surging,

a spring river.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Aleksandra

lake, nice poem. But also I think you can make another revised version, and make it stronger this poem, some mix of these two version. I loved the revision of the last stanza:

 

But you’re gone

without leaving an address

the words I want to say to you

dropped to the deepest dream

you promised to haunt.

 

... it is much better than the first one:

 

But you’re gone

without leaving your address

the words I want to say to you

remain silent, waiting for

your haunt in my deepest dream
.

 

it is somehow less narrative and much stronger.

 

Anyway I like this poem, and the emotions inside.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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Thanks, dr_con. I think I understand what you mean. What you said confirmed one of the reasons I like PMO - readers here are very perceptive, trying to understand the poems in the author's position instead of imposing one's own point of views on others. Regarding improvement, I always find myself hesitant over which move to make.

 

Hi, Tony, I'm glad you liked the revised parts. You have a discerning eye, even noticed the change of the article. icon_smile.gif

 

Joel, I like your suggestion on S3 with L4 "a spring river". It has a haiku feel. Thanks.

 

Alek, Glad you like the revised S4. Yes, I have a tendency of writing poems too narrative or descriptive. I need to work on it.

 

Thanks again everyone. Much appreciation.

 

Lake

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  • 2 years later...
Larsen M. Callirhoe

lake,

 

hope all is well. anyway i feel this is your second best poem. theone about the college environment as a server is your best one. this one is exeptional and flows like a river when readng it aloud. the title really sells this poem also. i love the title. great pom.

 

 

 

victor

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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