Unweaving You from Me

[A. Baez]

Perhaps you thought I’d simply pull you out

Of all I am, as if you were a seam

Sewn loosely on my life? That I could rout

Your yarns like threads from some supposed scheme

Of richer, thicker, tight-laced patterns? No!

I’ll need to pluck you inchmeal, strand by strand,

From every foot of woof that spreads aglow

With greens, blues, oranges…compel my hand

To unweave glittering yards until my warp

Runs ragged. All my artisan designs

Will hold so little of their former form

Without your yarns’ bright hues and loops and twines.

At last, you might be wrested from my weft—

But oh! My warp would shelter stretches left!

 

 

 

Revision: L10--"personal," then "artisan" for"fancy, fine"

[dcmarti1]

A sly sonnet, enjambment, imagery, alliteration, at least one instance of assonance.....nicely done.  🙂

[A. Baez]

Thanks, Marti, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Is there anything that you think could be improved? I'm concerned that

 

All my fancy, fine designs

Will hold so little of their former form

Without your yarns’ bright hues and loops and twines.

 

doesn't add much to what's already been said. Suggestions welcome from everybody! 

[tonyv]

On 1/5/2020 at 6:46 PM, A. Baez said:

Thanks, Marti, I'm glad you enjoyed it! Is there anything that you think could be improved? I'm concerned that

 

All my fancy, fine designs

Will hold so little of their former form

Without your yarns’ bright hues and loops and twines.

 

doesn't add much to what's already been said. Suggestions welcome from everybody! 

I don't see it that way. It's a summation. It's direct and makes it even more personal. I like that.

This reads well and in ways comes very close to Frost's "The Silken Tent."

Tony

[A. Baez]

Tony, I'm glad the lines in question seem to you like a summation rather than a repetition. That was, of course, my intent and my desire. But I'm going to try subbing "personal" for "fancy, fine" to bring into higher relief the second layer of meaning here, which I hope may add some interest.

And oh my gosh, what an intriguing parallel with the Frost poem! I'd never read that one, but you nailed it--the idea and the metaphor are both very similar, and the form even more so! Thanks for tipping me off to this poem. It has a rather different feel than what I've come to associate with Frost.

 

 

[dr_con]

I love the metaphors -- Its a rich deeply imaginal piece which (for me) creates a deeply personal point of view. Loved the revision like where its at.

 

Juris

[A. Baez]

Wow, Dr. Con, thanks for introducing me to the word "imaginal"! I'm so glad you responded to the piece in the way that I intended, and thanks specifically for your feedback on the revision.

[Tinker]

Hi AB,  This is an intricate weaving of metaphor, form and amazing sonics.  Read aloud it is resonant.  Everything has been said and Tony is right drawing the comparison to the Silken Tent.  

Loved it.

~~Judi

[A. Baez]

Tinker, thank you, and I'm so honored that you read it aloud! Applause, too, for continuing the metaphor in your comments. 🙂

I'm going to try out "artisan" in lieu of "personal"--I'll see how it strikes me next time I read it! It seems a poem is never done...

[Tinker]

I always read poems out loud.  Sometimes it is the sound not the words that set the tone.  And I'm with you, I will edit a poem I wrote years ago, changing a word, adding a comma.  My poems are always a work in progress. 

~~Judi

[A. Baez]

Wow, reading all poems aloud is quite a practice! For some reason, I tend to be more internal in experiencing poetry, even though I do place high value on the sound of a poem. Only occasionally do I feel moved to read something aloud. However, I do tend to read slowly and carefully, so I think I manage to pick up on a poem's sounds a lot just by doing that.

On editing, I love this quote by Oscar Wilde: "I was working on the proof of one of my poems all the morning and took out a comma. In the afternoon I put it back again."