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In the Shadows


JoelJosol
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---- revised ----

The sun was low in the sky

when I waved good-bye.

 

The pine trees

had sliced the light,

 

every one

that fell on your face,

 

passing through the breeze,

into my eyes

 

looking brave,

as I descended on this road-

 

shadows and road

wind as one in these mountains.

 

The steep decline tested

my resolve

 

as I looked back at you,

the sun gone.

 

And all we have between us

remain obscured,

 

those parts of you and me

unenlightened.

 

 

---- original ----

The sun was low in the sky

when I waved good-bye

 

the pine trees

had sliced the rays,

 

every one

that fell on your face.

 

The branches squinted

as they let the light,

 

pass the cool breeze,

into my eyes.

 

I thought it manly

to appear brave,

 

descending

on this winding road,

 

into the dark shadows

between these mountains.

 

The steep decline tested

my resolve

 

as I looked back at you

with the sun gone.

 

And all we have between us

are shadows

 

where a part of you and I

remain hidden.

 

 

I've been away, out of town, and up in the mountain range North of Manila. I will be back again next week. The visit inspired this poem.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

rich imagries loved it my friend. vic aka larsen

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Thank you, Vic.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Joel, you take some exquisite nature imagery and alluringly add in the human equation. The first couplet establishes a subtle tension which keeps on until the very end where it doesn't quite resolve yet leaves the reader with some sense of peace:

And all we have between us

are shadows

 

where a part of you and I

remain hidden.

I'm glad you provided some background information. Thanks for that!

 

Tony

Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic

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Larsen M. Callirhoe

hi joel again,

 

just wanted to say i have reread this one several times over the course of the day. this is one of the best poems imagery wise i have ever read. the alliteration and metaohors are very inspiring. i understand this one on a few levels depending how you look at the imagries and decide what the metaphors mean to me as an individual. this one most defenitely works for me so i app[laid you. excellent poem.

 

"I thought it manly

to appear brave/"

 

the metaphor is rich in alliteration here.

 

"And all we have between us

are shadows"

 

"where a part of you and I

remain hidden."

 

perfect ending and so true. you capture the mutual feelings and thoughts as if they are disguised in the shadows.

 

 

vic

Larsen M. Callirhoe

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Need to do some tweaking, to take out some kinks.

 

The word 'shadows' has appeared several times so I have to replace it with something similar but still has a play on the idea of what shadows do.

"Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach

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Aleksandra

Wonderful job Joel. Interesting revision definitely. With " shadows "you did nice job. I like the second version too. I love the imagery of your poem. the poem has the sound of longing. I love when the poems comes this way.

 

Aleksandra

The poet is a liar who always speaks the truth - Jean Cocteau

History of Macedonia

 

 

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