eclipse Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Winter wings its line as I sleep the night drinks deep-the moon has replaced blood with wine serving those faced with their last look at earthly skies. The sun observes winter's stuttering hook to warn of clouds passing like a ghost train and the desire for death's refrain, the moon's fingers are aflame and it aims to lure the hesitant aboard as it's intoxication is poured. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted March 11, 2020 Share Posted March 11, 2020 Barry, Well you certainly came back strong. This is lush with imagery and potency. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted March 15, 2020 Share Posted March 15, 2020 Hmmm ... On 3/11/2020 at 6:52 AM, eclipse said: those faced with their last look at earthly skies ... and if I am one of them, I would want you to go on living. Bottoms up, and carry on! Tony 🌖 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 Another wild, mythological-feeling fantasy! I'm reminded of Steeleye Span's song "Drink Down the Moon." It's an interesting, probably effective choice to separate the first line from the rest. As readers, we are faced with our own interesting choice of whether to mentally place punctuation after "line" or after "sleep"--kind of like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, with different outcomes for each course! "The moon has replaced blood with wine"--an intriguing concept that a "blood moon" may be just the beginning of strange lunar transformations. I also love "winter's stuttering hook." I didn't care much for the three internal rhymes that follow; I thought they gave things a gimmicky slam-poet feel. "Ghost train" feels like a bit of a cliche, but it is a perfect image, with arresting power, here! I want a semicolon after "refrain," "it's" should not have an apostrophe, and don't forget the difference between a hyphen and an em dash! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted March 19, 2020 Share Posted March 19, 2020 "the moon's fingers are aflame" Love that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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