April 5. Elegy

[Tinker]

elegy for humanity (revision)

tears streak cheeks
while sheets cover faces
of fallen victims to a virus,
filling lungs, stifling breath,
stopping life
                             ~~ Judi Van Gorder


elegy for humanity
 
tears streak cheeks
while sheets cover faces
of fallen victims to a virus,
filling lungs, stopping breath,
to kill us
                             ~~ Judi Van Gorder

Notes: ▼

Verse Form Tritriplicata
Prompt: Write an elegy

[dr_con]

Whoa - Intense and beautiful. Love it although the final line does (for whatever reason, probably mood) falls flat to ear - the rest is emotive the final strong but clinical? hmmm.

 

Much enjoyed!

DC&J

[tonyv]

So much possibility when it comes to the elgy, though having to write one is not something I want to think about now, or ever. A good addition to this month's output.

Tony

[Tinker]

On 4/6/2020 at 8:54 AM, dr_con said:

the final line does (for whatever reason, probably mood) falls flat to ear

Juris,  I agree, I had changed it about 4 times before deciding on that line which still didn't make me happy.  But reading your comment, I went back to the drawing board and am much happier with my revision which says more than the original and has the more realistic layers of meaning.  (At least to me.)

Thanks,  ~~Judi

[dr_con]

Yes Judi- Much better, loved it! 😉