JoelJosol Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 I miss you mom whenever I am happy.Whenever I ran to your warm embrace, and waste your time with a crazy story. I miss you whenever I am sad or lonely, recalling times I rested my head on your slim shoulders. I miss you mom whenever I feel returning all the love you gave and shared. You always knew I would. I miss you mom whenever I felt like saying "thank you" for standing up beside me, for the choices I made that differed from yours, made you sigh, and broke your heart. You know I would but you left before I could. 1 1 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted May 16, 2020 Share Posted May 16, 2020 What a nice tribute for Mother's Day! I was unsure of a few points: L2--why you said "did run" instead of just "ran" L3--what were your "crazy lines"--I can imagine, but I crave something specific here. In absence of it, I found myself stopping a moment to figure out that you must mean spoken lines, not literal ones. Ls 7 and 10--why you say "felt" instead of "feel," the latter of which would go with the present tense of "miss" and follow the pattern of the first two stanzas Throughout, "mom" should be capitalized, because you're using it here as a proper noun. However, this stanza was still especially touching: Quote I miss you mom whenever I felt returning all the love you gave and shared. You always knew I would. One can imagine that love returning from other people to her, or that love from her to you, returning in your own heart, or maybe both or even something else. The ambiguity is kind of nice. Quote 'thank you' for standing up beside me, Technical note--the quotes here should be double. Quote I miss you mom whenever I felt like saying 'thank you' for standing up beside me, for the choices I made that differed from yours, made you sigh, and broke your heart. You know I would but you left before I could. This is dramatic and profound! How wonderful to have a mom who stands beside her child even when he breaks from her will--and wow, even when he breaks her heart! Her death, too early, ends this poem on a startling note, more powerful for the ending rhyme. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted May 19, 2020 Share Posted May 19, 2020 The end rhyme is powerful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 Hi A. Baez, thank you for both the technical catch. I will revise the piece to reflect the improvements and corrections. Hi dcmarti1, thanks for catching the end rhyme. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Joel, Poignant, a bit sad and very honest. ~~Judi Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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