JoelJosol Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 This bed is different without you. I'm not usedto its silence, inactivity nor to its bed sheetsand pillows over it well-arranged.My body sinking into it is not the sameas yours sinking into it too. I prefer it to becreaking, overflowing with sounds, sensualwhile the full moon peeks through the curtain,wondering what we are up to.I prefer it to be disorderlywhen we play love's games, the blanket removed,exposing our skin to the moon, so that shemay envy us, as she outlines your curves.I prefer that you fill it with your sound bitein every corner, in the pillows, in the bed sheet,with each space locking your scent, your laughter.Let us fill it with groansmixing with the embers of passionheating up as we ignite a brilliant glow.This bed is different without you.I am not used to space draped with loneliness.The blanket is not as warm as you,from where you would have beenstaring at me with the moon in your eyes. * A. Baez poem about beds and moons made resurrect this poem and made adjustments to it as well. 3 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bob Posted May 25, 2020 Share Posted May 25, 2020 (edited) Just now, JoelJosol said: This bed is different without you. I'm not usedto its silence, inactivity nor to its bed sheetsand pillows over it well-arranged.My body sinking into it is not the sameas yours sinking into it too. I prefer it to becreaking, overflowing with sounds, sensualwhile the full moon peeks through the curtain,wondering what we are up to.I prefer it to be disorderlywhen we play love's games, the blanket removed,exposing our skin to the moon, so that shemay envy us, as she outlines your curves.I prefer that you fill it with your sound bitein every corner, in the pillows, in the bed sheet,with each space locking your scent, your laughter.Let us fill it with groansmixing with the embers of passionheating up as we ignite a brilliant glow.This bed is different without you.I am not used to space draped with loneliness.The blanket is not as warm as you,from where you would have beenstaring at me with the moon in your eyes. * A. Baez poem about beds and moons made resurrect this poem and made adjustments to it as well. Well written Joel. When Sight, Smell, Taste, Hearing, and Touch of a loved one no longer exists, loss will make you extremely sensitive to this void...your aching heart cries out. Edited May 25, 2020 by bob Re phrased the sentence structure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 25, 2020 Author Share Posted May 25, 2020 Thanks bob for sharing the "experience" of the poem. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 26, 2020 Share Posted May 26, 2020 Joel, I agree with Bob, this one is tight, very well composed. You stay on point, and it does not come across as repetitive even with eight stanzas. I like how you end with the couplet. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dr_con Posted May 28, 2020 Share Posted May 28, 2020 Agree. Sensous and well composed all the senses;-) TY JJ Quote thegateless.org Come on over and check out my poetry substack y'all;-) Or if your bored, head to the Zazzle store: https://www.zazzle.com/store/gateless. If you buy anything I lose a bet, so consider that before you violate the digital rules. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted June 4, 2020 Author Share Posted June 4, 2020 Thanks tony and dr_con. I tried to picture the intimacy versus the loss without going overboard or overdramatizing the sexual part. Just sensual, appealing to the senses. 1 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Joel, wow! This is really powerful. It has a masterful air, reminding me of Neruda in its subject matter and tone along with its sensibility that I think of as being distinctly "Latin." What is that sensibility? Perhaps I might say an unabashed emotional, sentimental expression delivered in a direct way, anchored in physical details, and yes, in the context of a love poem, that careful balance that I think you hit so well between the sensual and the sexual. This poem evokes the particular feeling it describes so well--much better than various other works I've seen on the same theme. (I guess I'm thinking mainly of songs. Oddly, coincidentally, I just happened to be thinking this afternoon of The Police's "The Bed's Too Big Without You," whose title is so similar to your poem's refrain.) There are so many cherishable lines to be found here. I love "I prefer it to be disorderly" and the moon peeking through the curtain, wondering what the partners are up to, and envying them as she outlines the lady's curves--such a great image! And "space draped with loneliness" is lovely--in a different way! I also love the repetition of "This bed is different without you," which comes at just the right place. Such a strong ending too--an image as vivid as it is, alas, imaginary by the time the narrator speaks through this poem. This piece definitely puts me in the mood for love! And that is actually no small feat. 😉 I was wondering what you meant by the "sound bite," though, and I felt that the groans mixing with the embers of passion was strange because it combines something actual with something metaphorical--I would have preferred both these elements to be actual. In any case, I'm thrilled that my moon poem prompted you to resurrect this. It is so fun to have poetic "conversations" of this sort, and by coincidence, Tony was also recently prompted by my moon poem to show me an old (very different!) poem of his sharing this same element! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted June 6, 2020 Author Share Posted June 6, 2020 A. Baez, thanks for your generous feedback. I did read Neruda now that you reminded me of him. Also, thanks for the catch on combining physical with metaphorical. I might revisit that. The "sound bite" is a modern term in broadcast. Yes, your moon poem inspired me to bring this up. Thanks. 1 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 I know the meaning of sound bite, I just couldn't figure out why you used it in the context you did. Wouldn't the female lover have delivered much, much more in these scenes than a mere sound bite? I'm imagining a lusty bite in the arm might be more on her order. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted June 6, 2020 Author Share Posted June 6, 2020 Thanks for the feedback. I did not realize the term sounded neutral and lessens the total impact. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted June 6, 2020 Share Posted June 6, 2020 Yes, I've always thought "sound bite" carried a negative connotation as a deprecating term to describe when the media tries to turn words that are nuanced and complex into an extremely curtailed and oversimplified tiny clip, to try to cater to the public's perceived lack of time, attention span, and interest in detail. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted June 20, 2020 Share Posted June 20, 2020 Hi Joel, this one "worked" on me, too! I am not fully convinced that "sound bite" is out of place completely, but it has not been brought off to best advantage yet. By telling us that it occurred in all the corners, we got a briefly delivered notion of the level of activity that could be expected when the bed is fully occupied. Which is a good and sensual (yow!) and sensuous (I could feel the smooth coolness of the sheets!) thing. But I definitely think that you and A. Baez are onto something that isn't quite complete. This poem is good enough to be worth a little reworking. It does have whiff of Neruda to it. This, too, is a very good thing. Thanks (I think), - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted July 27, 2020 Author Share Posted July 27, 2020 Hi David, Thanks for the feedback too. I also read Neruda, planning to buy one of his books soon. I am still looking for time to work on how to present the impression of sound I wish to project. I am glad to read your hospital procedure went fine. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted January 9, 2021 Share Posted January 9, 2021 Thank you for that kind thought, Joel. I still like the possibilities of this piece very much! Enjoyed the Revisit, - David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted January 12, 2021 Author Share Posted January 12, 2021 I am still working on a future revision of this piece. It's a WIP. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted January 18, 2021 Share Posted January 18, 2021 Hi Joel, I am happy to see this poem going through some crafting in diction and audio effects. Would it be too contrarian of me to opine that the older version felt more spontaneous and immediate? Maybe i should sleep on this a few more times, but I thought I should share my thoughts with you. Cheers, David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted January 19, 2021 Author Share Posted January 19, 2021 Our 35th anniversary is fast approaching, so that can give me the drive to revisit this. Thanks David for the revisit. Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
A. Baez Posted January 25, 2021 Share Posted January 25, 2021 Joel, that's interesting that you mention your 35th anniversary--I had read this poem as most probably about a relationship that was lost when the woman abandoned it. But I did realize that the poem could also be read simply as about a woman who was absent from the narrator for a time. I'm glad that the truth was the latter! I still think this is a classic poem that hits all kinds of amazing notes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted January 26, 2021 Author Share Posted January 26, 2021 Thanks A. Baez. Yes, it is a poem about missing someone who was absent for a time. 1 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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