Lost

[JoelJosol]

He confides

'She only has a few days left.'

 

Fighting the loss

of breath

 

I ask,

'So, what is next?'

 

As he lays out

what to expect, I

 

lost you

in the details

 

of many new mornings,

mourning.

 

The day you leave

I will be elsewhere

 

looking for you

in places where we've been.

[rhymeguy]

Oh Joel how beautiful. The last two verses have captured my heart.

 

rg

[Aleksandra]

This is a killer poem.

I can't stop reading it. Joel I am confused and impressed by this sad poem.

 

I can tell your style has changed a lot and I love what I read.

 

Aleksandra

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, rg and Aleks.

 

I was thinking to change the ending couplet with

 

looking for you

from where you once were.

[tonyv]

Joel, I love how you delve into different types of losses, as shown here:

As he lays out

what to expect, I

 

lost you

in the details

 

of many new mornings,

mourning.

I wouldn't change the last two lines.

^{JoelJosol wrote:}

 

I was thinking to change the ending couplet with

 

looking for you

from where you once were.

As it stands now is much superior. The poem is perfect.

 

Tony

[rhymeguy]

Please don't change the last 2 lines- They seem perfect to me.

 

rg

[dr_con]

I agree with the above- You keep getting better and better- a sparse minimalism which communicates a rich landscape of loss- perfect as it is- the replacement couplet doesn't have the implied 'personal' engagement of the current one...

 

Very Lovely,

 

DC

[JoelJosol]

Thank you, Tony, rhymeguy, and DC. I am glad the first version carried over the layers of 'lost' I wanted to convey.

[badger11]

I agree with Dr C. in regard to the ending.

 

badge

[waxwings]

^{JoelJosol wrote:}

 

Thank you, rg and Aleks.

 

I was thinking to change the ending couplet with

 

looking for you

from where you once were.

 

What the poem as a whole says is universally significant, at least for my money. I defend a notion that repeated revision/editing is valiuable, but several rounds of that may bring you back closer to the original which I suspect may be truer if not as elegantly stated.

 

Maybe, that last line can retain the feel of the the original

 

"in places where we have been"

 

and add what I feel you are reaching for in the contemplated change.

Consider

 

...in places where you once where.

 

to replace the more selfish "we have been" to more poignant reaching out to the other "you once were".

 

There is not a bad line in this poem, but there are some words that tend to dumb down the basic elegance of a line or two.

I would heartily recommend a further look at lines other than the closing two.