my first attempt at metered poetry (let me know what ya think)

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

i know there are a few mistakes because the dictionary i used didnt accent stressed syllables. i used word perfect dictionary. so please let me know what words could be substituted in the poem. itn is metered like this first stanza dum da/dum da/dum da/dum da/dum da/, second stanza dum da/dum da/ dum da/ dum da/, and third stanza dum da/ dum da/ dum da/ dum da/ dum/ with last unstressed syllable taken out of the sentences in third stanza. this is just practice. i think i did good for my first attempt. but i would love feed back. larsen aka victor

 

Joy For Elizabeth

 

We meet in the horizons up above.

I want to sing with you and dance with you.

I want to hold you tight and touch you. Wow!

Can’t you see it in my eyes so much too.

 

Joy for Elizabeth my love.

We touch in the stars on high. Babe!

You make me float on clouds so high.

When we touch sparks fly thru the air.

 

Nothing compares our love for each soul.

Hold me tight babe it is all I want.

Because nothing can compare our love..

We love each other forever now.

[tonyv]

Hey Victor,

 

First, you should decide if you want to write in tetrameter (four beats per line) or pentameter (five beats per line). Some of the lines have four and some are perfect iambic pentameter. I'll spend a few minutes and make some minor adjustments to the first two verses.

 

 

Joy For Elizabeth

 

We meet in cold horizons up above;

I want to sing with you and dance with you.

I want to hold you tight and touch you. Wow!

You see it in my eyes, love, through and through.

 

A lyric for Elizabeth my love,

composed beneath the diamond stars above:

she makes me float on fluffy clouds on high,

and when we touch the sparks ignite and fly.

 

 

I went with the pentameter, but that was just an arbitrary choice. Most of what I changed/added was just filler to make the meter. The changes are in no way intended to complete the poem. Overall, I'm impressed with this first metrical effort.

 

Tony

[Tinker]

This is a departure from the your usual poems Victor and I like it. It shows a softer side of you, romantic. I think your attempt at meter works for this poem, it gives it a nice lyrical sound.

 

Tony is right it does need a little work and the first thing you need to decide is what metric measure suits the content. Because of the romantic feel of the poem iambic pentameter is probably the smoothest most lyrical measure to use... Tony did a great job filling in the rhythm to show how this poem could sound in iambic pentameter. I am impressed you gave meter a try and the more you practice the better you will get at it.

 

~~Tink

[tonyv]

^{Tinker wrote:}

 

Because of the romantic feel of the poem iambic pentameter is probably the smoothest most lyrical measure to use...

Very well expressed. I agree wholeheartedly.

 

Tony

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

thanks tony and tinker nfor the feed back. im glad the concept of the poem worked in metered form. i did give it much thought and i decided to practice a few lines in each of the three versions i gave lol. i did think hard about writing the whole poem in iambic pentameter though. im learning but didnt know how to make it flow. tony i like the minor changes you made to help the poem flow. so i thank both of you for the valuable feedback.

 

victor

 

see aleks if i can do it you can to. i don't even know if you understood what we are talking about and i know you are clever smart girl my friend.

 

hugs victor

[Lake]

I don't have a say in meters and rhymes, but I'd like to read how others do it from which I can learn.

 

I think Tony did a great rewrite. I can't help smiling when reading this line though,

 

I want to hold you tight and touch you.

Wow!

 

Well, metered poem does make it sound lyrical, musical.

[Larsen M. Callirhoe]

hi lake,

 

i apoligize for slandering your name. i will spare you the details. i wrote something that went against forum rules i pointed out names of certain types of ethnics in easter topic under general forum topics of this forum. i really meant no harm. it was deleted by tony because i was off the net for almost 12 days in my move to a new nursing home. from what i uderstand it was mentioned to you by tony already to some extant. what i wrote offended several people for different reasons. on the other hand very little offends me anymore. as a matter of fact i am disappointed in the human race as a whole for reasons for few will understand. if i say anymore on the subject if goes against your beliefs because if i understand you correctly you really do not believe in a higher power and i do. if tony hasnt mentioned it to you already i can private message you. you see lake i like you. i love your vantage points in your poetry. this may sound childish but i have a crush on you. i am not interested in a relationship with you but maybe im interested in a friendship with you it is that your writings depict your soul as a beautiful female. im attracted to strong females in literature. i hope that makes you feel good about your english grammer skills dear. im scandinavian jewish and russian and german. but i was born in america. my family tree comes from vikings and jesus christ family. thats what the nfamily trees reveal lol. but who really knows. geneaology says we all come from gene pools that are hundreds of thousands of years old not less than 6000 like the bible claims lol. so who really knows lol.

 

warmly victor michael aka larsen michael