Gunslinger Posted May 4, 2021 Share Posted May 4, 2021 Whisper soft, the falling rain, Conveys a dreary sound. And takes my thoughts to long ago When you were still around. The sighing of the autumn wind- Is quite in tune with mine. A lonely man, a lonely house... I sit here, killing time. Ah, what a waste, to kill the thing- Which we all seem to lack. That, once it’s gone, so precious seems But nought can bring it back. But I suppose the irony- Is there for all to see... It’s only fair that I kill time, For time is killing me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted May 5, 2021 Share Posted May 5, 2021 Hi GS, quite clever! I confess that I might like the piece even more without the final stanza! Thanks, David Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted May 17, 2021 Share Posted May 17, 2021 Very well-written. Though it's piquant, I agree with Dave re the last stanza. The first three verses do such a good job showing yet the effect is diminished by the last which slides a bit into tell. Tony 1 Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoelJosol Posted May 27, 2021 Share Posted May 27, 2021 Good feedback. I would have re-written the line "A lonely man, a lonely house" by a powerful image or picture that captures the intent of the original line. Just my first thought. But the direction of the poem is profound. 1 Quote "Words are not things, and yet they are not non-things either." - Ann Lauterbach Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dcmarti1 Posted June 6, 2021 Share Posted June 6, 2021 On 5/5/2021 at 12:48 AM, David W. Parsley said: Hi GS, quite clever! I confess that I might like the piece even more without the final stanza! Thanks, David Clever, indeed, David. But that last stanza is quite a jolt! 😉 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill kamen Posted June 14, 2021 Share Posted June 14, 2021 But I suppose the irony-Is there for all to see...It’s only fair that I kill time,For time is killing me. Actually I like the last two lines of the last stanza I would remove the first two lines Just my thoughts but overall I enjoyed your poem and it was well written !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gunslinger Posted June 17, 2021 Author Share Posted June 17, 2021 Thank you all for the input. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tinker Posted June 18, 2021 Share Posted June 18, 2021 Hi GS, I haven't even welcomed you yet. Great to see new blood on the site but keep the guns holstered here. This first of your works that I've read is really quite good and I love the last 2 lines but as an epitaph or proverb as a short stand alone poem. I agree with the others, the first 3 stanzas tell it all without spelling it out for the reader in the 4th stanza. It diminishes their power. It is natural to want to tie the whole thing up neatly but as Whitman says "condense, condense, condense" and you words carry more power. Anyway, if this is what you have to offer, I am excited to see what more you will share with us. ~~Tink Quote ~~ © ~~ Poems by Judi Van Gorder ~~ For permission to use this work you can write to Tinker1111@icloud.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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