bill kamen Posted July 22, 2021 Share Posted July 22, 2021 Killin’ time sippin’ whiskey At a bar on the boardwalk by the sea the jukebox keeps on playin’ visions of love and it takes me back to when I first saw you swayin' to the rhythm of the waves eyes as blue as the sea the wind in your hair pink ribbons everywhere I stopped to stare you did your best to make a boy aware your swayin’ arms reached out letting me in the touch of your hand calmed the storm within your shinning light touched my mind, body, and soul I saw it in your eyes I felt it from your heart Love was all around me You made it so easy the way you loved me made it so easy with every little thing you did Unconditional, unconditionally You loved me unconditionally We set sail upon the waters you were the wind in my sails drifting onto the sea of love tides rolled by, waves of love swept into my heart The smile on your face, your laughter brought me back from the depths of heartache and pain I felt alive for the first time in my life Anchored on the vessel of embodiment cherishing the freedom from within A rainbow appeared in the far horizon and that girl You made it so easy the way you loved me made it so easy with every little thing you did Unconditional, unconditionally You loved me unconditionally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted July 24, 2021 Share Posted July 24, 2021 Bill, it’s a hit. You can pretend it’s all just in your head, but deep down you know it’s not when you can’t stop obsessing about her. On 7/22/2021 at 3:09 PM, bill kamen said: … You loved me unconditionally … Interesting choice of tense. Too late, too much? Rx: another shot and turn it up. Whats the answer, a poem? A song? Yes, you makes it known, but she makes it hot. No way to control that. Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill kamen Posted August 6, 2021 Author Share Posted August 6, 2021 Thanks tonyv for the read and comment !! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill kamen Posted August 12, 2021 Author Share Posted August 12, 2021 Revision: Killin’ time, sippin’ a beer at a boardwalk bar by the sea The jukebox playin’ visions of love my mind drifts away to a girl on the beach Swayin' to the sound of the waves, the glow on your face as bright as the sun the wind in your hair, pink ribbons in hands I couldn’t help but stare I caught your glance, you smiled and said hi you did your best to put a guy at ease your arms reaching out letting me in, the touch of your hands calmed the storm within, I see it in your eyes, I feel it from your heart, Love was all around me. you make it so easy the way you love me make it so easy with every little thing you do you love me unconditionally Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted August 13, 2021 Share Posted August 13, 2021 Some nice improvements, Bill. You pared it down and messed around with the tenses (past vs. present). I like it! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill kamen Posted September 6, 2021 Author Share Posted September 6, 2021 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tonyv Posted September 6, 2021 Share Posted September 6, 2021 Bill, awesome! I love it when members persist, promote, and max it out. You took the poem to another level, from literary art to music! Tony Quote Here is a link to an index of my works on this site: tonyv's Member Archive topic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bill kamen Posted September 10, 2021 Author Share Posted September 10, 2021 Thanks Tony for your comment !!! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David W. Parsley Posted September 24, 2021 Share Posted September 24, 2021 Hi Bill, I really like the ruthless paring of the piece to something more immediate and engaging in its brevity. I was a little put off by some of the stock images and bromides at first, but now that I understand that this is to be a song, I think such language is more appropriate. One effect I particularly like is the shift from a surrounding that is stirring memories, to actually participating in the memory so vividly that you spend the rest of the poem addressing The Remembered One as if it were all happening again. Nice Song, - Dave Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
badger11 Posted September 25, 2021 Share Posted September 25, 2021 Excellent. Love the voice. Perhaps break up the narrative with some catchy refrain that the listener can sing along with? best Phil Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.