Visions of Love

[bill kamen]

Killin’ time sippin’ whiskey

At a bar on the boardwalk by the sea

the jukebox keeps on playin’ visions of love

and it takes me back to when I first saw you

swayin' to the rhythm of the waves

eyes as blue as the sea

the wind in your hair

pink ribbons everywhere

 

I stopped to stare

you did your best to make a boy aware

your swayin’ arms reached out letting me in

the touch of your hand calmed the storm within

your shinning light touched my mind, body, and soul

I saw it in your eyes

I felt it from your heart

Love was all around me

 

You made it so easy

the way you loved me

made it so easy with every little thing you did

Unconditional, unconditionally

You loved me unconditionally

 

We set sail upon the waters

you were the wind in my sails

drifting onto the sea of love

tides rolled by, waves of love

swept into my heart

The smile on your face, your laughter

brought me back from the depths of heartache and pain

I felt alive for the first time in my life

 

Anchored on the vessel of embodiment

cherishing the freedom from within

A rainbow appeared in the far horizon

and that girl

 

You made it so easy

the way you loved me

made it so easy with every little thing you did

Unconditional, unconditionally

You loved me unconditionally

 

 

 

 

 

 

[tonyv]

Bill, it’s a hit. You can pretend it’s all just in your head, but deep down you know it’s not when you can’t stop obsessing about her.

On 7/22/2021 at 3:09 PM, bill kamen said:

… You loved me unconditionally …

Interesting choice of tense. Too late, too much?  Rx: another shot and turn it up.  

Whats the answer, a poem? A song? Yes, you makes it known, but she makes it hot. No way to control that. 

Tony

[bill kamen]

Thanks tonyv for the read and comment !!

[bill kamen]

Revision:

 

 

Killin’ time, sippin’ a beer

at a boardwalk bar by the sea

The jukebox playin’ visions of love

my mind drifts away to a girl on the beach

Swayin' to the sound of the waves,

the glow on your face as bright as the sun

the wind in your hair, pink ribbons in hands

 

I couldn’t help but stare

I caught your glance, you smiled and said hi

you did your best to put a guy at ease

your arms reaching out letting me in,

the touch of your hands calmed the storm within,

I see it in your eyes, I feel it from your heart,

Love was all around me.

 

you make it so easy

the way you love me

make it so easy

with every little thing you do

you love me unconditionally

[tonyv]

Some nice improvements, Bill. You pared it down and messed around with the tenses (past vs. present). I like it!

Tony

[bill kamen]

 

[tonyv]

Bill, awesome! I love it when members persist, promote, and max it out. You took the poem to another level, from literary art to music!

Tony

[bill kamen]

Thanks Tony for your comment !!!

[David W. Parsley]

Hi Bill, I really like the ruthless paring of the piece to something more immediate and engaging in its brevity.  I was a little put off by some of the stock images and bromides at first, but now that I understand that this is to be a song, I think such language is more appropriate.

One effect I particularly like is the shift from a surrounding that is stirring memories, to actually participating in the memory so vividly that you spend the rest of the poem addressing The Remembered One as if it were all happening again.

Nice Song,
- Dave

[badger11]

Excellent. Love the voice. Perhaps break up the narrative with some catchy refrain that the listener can sing along with?

best

Phil